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Childhood Experiences And Adult Relationships
(05/04/2004) by Ellen Rapp
The conflicts between Katherine and Serge had become too intense. It seemed the only way the recently married couple could deal with disagreement was through shouting, mutual insults, and even physical abuse.
They decided therapy was in order, and it was there that they discovered the similarity of their backgrounds: They were acting just as their parents had. It became clear how growing up in two separate but equally troubled families was influencing the way they handled anger in their own marriage.
While Serge and Katherine still argue, they have learned to express their disagreements in more respectful ways.
They are like all of us: Our experiences as children inevitably have an impact on the relationships we form as adults — sometimes well into our mature years. A realization of this fact often can be the first step in mending a troubled relationship regardless of age. And for mature adults, it’s important to realize how our behavior can influence our children or even our grandchildren as we seek to raise new generations of psychologically and sexually healthy people.
The Formative Years
As children and adolescents, we are influenced from a variety of sources: Our peers; relatives; teachers; the culture in which we live; and, perhaps most profoundly, our parents.
"A huge amount of learning is done in the first six years of life, a time when the child is at home with his or her parents," said Emily Brown, a marriage and family therapist, author, and director of the Keybridge Therapy and Mediation Center in Arlington, VA. Even in later childhood and adolescence, "parents continue to be highly influential," not only in the way they raise their children but also in the way they treat each other.
"The level of satisfaction you have in your marriage tends to correspond to the degree of marital satisfaction you witnessed while growing up," said Lloyd Sinclair, a psychotherapist at the Midwest Center for Psychology and Sex Therapy in Madison, WI. "If your parents were loving, if they showed respect and affection, you are much more likely to have such a relationship yourself as an adult."
On the other hand, children who grew up in families that were short on affection, abusive or otherwise troubled "are more likely than others to have great difficulty in their adult lives."
Does this mean that the significant number of men and women who grew up in troubled homes are doomed to fail at forming stable, satisfying relationships as adults? Not necessarily. "I’ve seen people who had terrible childhoods and became wonderful adults," said Sinclair. In such instances, "you usually find that there was someone along the way who helped — a teacher, a counselor, an aunt or uncle. This person provided a positive role model and gave emotional support that the parents did not."
Nonetheless, therapists agree that children raised in a difficult family generally have to work that much harder as adults to understand and overcome their difficulties. Many seek help through psychotherapy, and while they never forget their past experiences they are able to transcend them and learn from them.
Sometimes, the triumph is bittersweet.
Sinclair recalls a former patient, now 50, whose parents sexually abused him when he was young. As an adult, he became romantically involved with a woman and told her early on about his nightmarish past. "She embraced him with all his history," said Sinclair. The couple went on to have a close and happy marriage but didn’t have children. "It was his decision. He believed he was more at risk than the average parent to abuse a child, and he wanted to make sure he would never do unto others as was done to him."
Forming Relationships as An Adult
The family dynamics of our childhood can affect our adult relations in any number of ways. Sometimes the connections are fairly obvious: For instance, someone who experienced inappropriate sexual conduct as a child, such as sexual touch from a parent or relative, or grew up receiving negative messages about sex may develop into an adult who is sexually inhibited or has other problems with intimacy.
In other cases, the link between a person’s family background and adult relationships may be harder to recognize.
"Without consciously realizing it, people often pick a partner who represents unfinished business from the past," said Brown. If, say, you had a parent who was emotionally remote, you may choose a spouse with similar qualities in the hope that you can change the person and thereby redress the hurts of your childhood. Choosing a partner on this basis, said Brown, sets the stage for failure because we can’t change another person — and efforts to do so are likely to cause problems. However, people can change themselves, and recognizing the pattern is the first step toward making a difference.
Brown said it is not unusual to see people emulate the actions of their parents. She recalls a female patient who grew up with a mother who neglected her own needs to be a "caretaker" to her husband. The woman "grew up believing that women should take care of men" and repeated the pattern in her own marriage. For years, her husband depended on her to handle his emotional and financial problems. "She had to do a lot of work in order to be able to finally leave him," said Brown.
Adults who were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as children often fear getting close in their relationships. Even those who marry tend to find ways to keep an emotional distance from their partner because "deep down, they associate intimacy with danger," said Brown. One of her patients who was abused as a child brought emotional problems into his marriage. After that ended, he dated a series of women "who were emotionally unavailable in one way or another. He’s scared to death to get close," but he is working on the problem in therapy.
Another common scenario: "Kids whose parents fight a lot tend to blame themselves. And as adults, they may tend to take on too much responsibility in their own marriages, to try and do a lot of fixing. This is well-intentioned but misguided because the spouse usually resents it. No one wants to be ‘fixed’ when they are having problems; they want to be heard and comforted."
Some people grow up determined not to follow a troubled parent’s example although this can have consequences of its own.
Judith Lipton, MD, an author and psychiatrist, recalls a patient whose father was a talented musician. "He was very promiscuous and made no secret of his infidelities. His wife stayed in this demeaning marriage." Eventually, the husband left his wife for another woman. As a child, Lipton’s patient witnessed the pain caused by her father’s behavior. She is now "in a marriage that’s not very good. But she can’t let go because she doesn’t want to be like her father ... and leave her husband for someone else."
Helping Your Children And Grandchildren
Tolstoy said that all happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. And based on the examples around us, it does seem that there are countless ways in which troubled families can have a harmful effect on children.
But while we tend not to hear much about them, there are also many men and women who grow up in relatively happy, stable families and become well-adjusted adults with loving relationships. Such families, say therapists, tend to have in common certain child-rearing skills and other behaviors that contribute to a healthy, stable environment for their offspring.
Whether you’re trying to fix problems in your own relationship or have a positive impact on a generation that will follow you, these are important positive traits to keep in mind:
• Nurture one’s marriage. "Lots of studies suggest that the single most important factor in a child’s adjustment is parental conflict," said Brown. "Generally, the less conflict between parents, the better adjusted the kids will be. And if the marriage is having problems, a couple should get help." What if marital conflicts are irreparable? While divorce is often psychologically damaging to children, many experts now believe that growing up in an embattled home — where parents remain together, miserably — may ultimately be more harmful. Staying together solely "for the sake of the children" is not necessarily doing them a favor.
• Communicate well. "The ability to resolve conflict by talking things out is extraordinarily important," said Sinclair. While being taught to resolve disagreements without fighting — a valuable relationship skill — children also learn that it’s okay to express such emotions as anger and frustration as long as it is done in a non-abusive manner.
• Be honest emotionally. "Expressing one’s disappointments and frailties is just as important as expressing more positive feelings," said Sinclair. When a child sees that his parents can acknowledge having difficulty, he is more likely to feel comfortable talking about his own problems. "Many of my clients tell their kids that they’re in therapy, and I applaud that. What they’re saying is, ‘sometimes a problem is bigger than you can handle on your own.’ The children realize that there is no shame in asking for help."
• Show affection. When parents demonstrate warm feelings, not only for their kids but for each other, the children benefit. "Children model what they see their parents do," said Lipton. "If parents want their kids to have good intimate relationships as adults, the best they can do is practice what they preach."
Giving a hug, bestowing a warm compliment, engaging in affectionate banter — all are ways for parents to let their children know that they "love, enjoy and admire each other," said Sinclair. Growing up in an environment where such feelings are expressed comfortably and freely "makes it easier for the child to show affection, with friends, with a girlfriend or boyfriend, and eventually, with the person they marry."
If you have any of the relationship challenges described in this article, try to look at them with this new perspective and make adjustments. Or get help. It’s never too late to change.
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