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Recognizing and Taking Action Against Emotional Abuse
(10/20/2004) by Elizabeth Schroeder
In my training as a social worker and my career as a sexuality educator and trainer, I continue to be bombarded by an unfortunate reality: unhealthy, abusive relationships are far too common among adults and teenagers in the United States. Physical abuse is often the easiest to identify, particularly when it results in some kind of bruising, injury or other somatic complaint from the person being abused. Physical abuse can also be proven in a court of law if there is documentation of emergency room visits, photographs of injuries, and more. But what about other types of relationship abuse?
What about a man who does not hit his wife, but threatens to hurt her children if she does not do what he wants? Or a woman who denigrates her male partner’s appearance or sexual performance in front of others? What about a man who cheats on his partner openly with other men while ignoring his partner, or a woman who threatens to “out” her closeted female partner every time they argue? Even though these examples of abuse do not result in welts, cuts, or bruises, they can destroy a person’s sense of safety and self-esteem. When a person being abused in this way tries to take action, she or he often cannot prove the abuse has taken place because the impact cannot be seen on the body.
This article will help readers recognize emotional abuse and suggest steps that people who think they might be in an abusive relationship can take to get some support.
What is Emotional Abuse?
People often ask, “How do I know if I’m being emotionally abused?” This question does not, unfortunately, have an easy answer to it. Dictionary definitions tend to emphasize the physical aspects of abuse (“physical maltreatment” or “improper or excessive use or treatment,” as in drug or alcohol abuse). The definitions pertaining to emotional abuse, however (“language that condemns or vilifies, usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily”), is filled with subjective terms. One person’s “unjust condemnation” is another person’s well-meaning attempt to improve that person’s life. As a result, these definitions almost set the abuser up to be vindicated and the person being abused to be seen as overreacting.
A simpler definition of emotional abuse is, behaviors or actions that are designed to make a person feel bad about her or himself – to take away that person’s self-esteem – in order to exert control over that person. For some people, the term “abuse” implies activity that has gone on over a period of time; for others, it can be a single incident. Abuse is an intentional effort on the part of the abuser to wield power in the relationship. It is not an expression of anger, nor is it something the person being abused has provoked or deserves. Relationship of any kind, including emotional abuse, happens among all racial/ethnic/cultural groups, socioeconomic and educational levels, and all genders and sexual orientations.
When is An Argument Just an Argument… and When Is It Abuse?
Emotional abuse is different from an insensitive remark that was not meant to offend. In romantic relationships, we often learn over time what our partner’s insecurities and emotionally sensitive areas are. In a healthy, respectful relationship, we also learn the boundaries within an argument or stressful discussion. We are able to let our partner know our insecurities and trust that she or he will not use them against us.
An emotionally abusive person, however, collects data on her or his partner’s insecurities and sensitive areas and uses them in both obvious and subtle ways to manipulate and control that partner and the relationship. Knowing that a partner is sensitive about his weight, for example, and commenting consistently on his eating, portion size, appearance, and more, is abusive. It is not designed to help, it is designed to make him feel bad about himself. The worse he feels about himself, the less likely he is to leave the relationship.
What Does Emotional Abuse Look Like?
Emotional abuse is, in its extreme forms, quite obvious – for example, someone who screams insults at her or his partner (or, for that matter, child). More subtle forms of emotional abuse, however, are challenging to identify – and exceedingly difficult to prove in a court of law.
Some examples of emotional abuse include, but are far from limited to:
Verbal assaults, such as a constant barrage of insults about a person’s appearance, intelligence, or general self-worth. This can also include fabricated accusations of infidelity or blaming the partner for things that are going wrong in the abuser’s life.
Ignoring the partner, which might include social indifference (such as going out regularly without one’s partner or not acknowledging the partner at a social occasion), sexual apathy (withholding sexual intimacy), and more.
Minimizing the partner, as in not recognizing or belittling successes or achievements, teasing the partner when she or he becomes upset during an argument, telling the partner that no one else would want to be with her or him, etc.
Setting unrealistic expectations, such as maintaining that the abuser be considered most important in the partner’s life (before family and friends), demanding constant attention, insisting that the partner demonstrate clearly her or his love for the abuser (which is never enough), and more.
Web sites, books, magazines, and other resources have a variety of checklists for people who think they might be in an abusive relationship. One such list can be found in Getting Free: A Handbook for Women in Abusive Relationships, by Ginny Nicarthy. (Note that while this resource is written for women in abusive relationships, the characteristics can apply to an abuser of any gender and can be experienced by someone of any gender.)
It is important to keep in mind that while these can often serve as a helpful guide to someone who is unsure about the state of her or his relationship, they should also be used with caution. The most important thing a person can do is trust his or her gut. If something feels like it is abusive, and a person points it out to her or his partner, the appropriate response from that partner in a healthy, non-abusive relationship is an honest, non-defensive apology. An abuser, however, may offer a give a syrupy-sweet apology – often accompanied by a gift – that ends with an admonition to the partner for what she or he did to provoke the abuser. For example, “I’m so sorry you made me make you feel so bad. Perhaps next time you’ll take a little more time preparing dinner and I won’t be put in this difficult position of having to help you do better.”
This is why it is often so challenging for people to recognize and leave abusive relationships. Emotional abuse is very often subtle and confusing – in fact, it is designed to be this way by the abuser. As long as the abuser’s partner remains confused, she or he will remain in the relationship. And that’s exactly what the abuser wants.
What Can People Who Think They Might Be In An Abusive Relationship Do?
The greatest mistake people who have a feeling in their gut that their relationship is “not quite right” can make is to ignore it. As the saying goes, “when in doubt, check it out.” The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) operates a 24-hour telephone hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE that people can call any time to speak with a live counselor about their situation. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence also operates a toll-free hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
If a partner points out comments or behaviors that she or he perceives to be abusive, and her or his partner agrees and wants to make some changes, then a combination of individual counseling (for the abuser and for the partner being abuse) and couple’s counseling may be effective. Many counselors and therapists, however, do not recommend couple’s counseling alone as an effective treatment for an abusive relationship because true abusers are very skilled at playing the part of the misunderstood partner and have no interest in or reason for changing. This ends up doing even more emotional and psychological harm to the partner being abused, who can end up being seen as the person with the problem. (Check out the classic movie, “Gaslight,” with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, for some classic examples of psychological and emotional abuse.) Some therapists will insist that the partners each see a different therapist, someone who does not also serve as the couple’s counselor, to avoid any perception of favoritism or inequity in the counseling relationship.
Again, when in doubt, check it out. It can never hurt to call the RAINN or NCADV hotline to speak with someone about emotional abuse. In fact, since emotional abuse can often escalate into physical abuse, picking up the phone and calling a hotline number may very well save a person’s life.
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