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The Four T's: Time, Talk, Trust, and Touch
(05/04/2004) by Richard Milstein, M.D. and Julian Slowinski, Psy.D.
There are many things partners can do to enhance a relationship and provide an environment for better sexual functioning. We can bring together these elements by examining the Four T's: Time, Talk, Trust, and Touch. The four T's are key ingredients for creating an environment for satisfying sex to take place. Together, they go a long way toward ensuring a quality relationship and open the door for sexual enrichment and healthy functioning.
Any relationship needs time to be nurtured and flourish. One of the major complaints of couples coming to counseling is the lack of time they have together. Their daily life places many burdens on their time. Careers and families are jealous for our attention. Couples can become so disconnected that even if they have the time to be together, they do not know how to handle it. People get overextended and drift apart, and their sex lives suffer. Having time for each other is a luxury. If wanting to have a satisfying sexual relationship is a goal, then having time and taking time is a necessity! Many men seek help for erectile problems only to complain that even when they obtain the correct advice, they do not have the time to pay attention to overcoming the problem when at home.
Practice makes perfect. And practice takes time. It is his erections he is worrying about. Do the homework! The ingredient of time also means taking time with sexual activity. This means not rushing into intercourse just because the man is worried about losing a good erection. If he can get an erection in the first place, it can come back. The plumbing is working. Be patient.
The partner needs time, too. Keep the overall sexual relationship alive and not just focused on the quality of the erection. A willing and cooperative partner is essential. Pay attention to her generally, not just sexually. A quiet evening or a getaway weekend can be a tonic for a tired couple.
Talk is like shared time. It opens the door to greater intimacy. Talk allows each partner room to grow. Research studies have shown that busy couples spend only a few minutes a day talking. Even then, the conversation may be about practical necessities about managing a daily life and family matters. Does the talk ever focus on the other? How are they doing, feeling about themselves? We are not suggesting heavy, in-depth, marriage-encounter communication as a steady diet. Such an ongoing examination of the state of the relationship may for some prove to be more of a burden than a blessing. Still, it is important to connect on a regular basis through talk.
Talking does foster intimacy. How many couples can talk openly about their sexual relationship and not feel threatened by the conversation? It is too easy to feel that one partner is placing demands on or blaming the other for sexual difficulties. This is especially true when it comes to erection problems. Associations of blame, guilt and even fear of infidelity or abandonment are common. Partners need to reassure each other that they are involved in the sexual problem. There can be no room in a healthy relationship for a comment like, "It's your problem, you fix it." The rejection that would follow such a comment causes further alienation and continued dysfunction. Talk requires facing the negative emotions behind the rejecting statement and clearing up that issue before moving on to the sexual complaint. While couples do present themselves for counseling for a sexual problem, they often have to face many relationship problems that underlie the complaint before any hope of progress can be made. Remember, the penis doesn't lie. Nonsexual issues can get in the way of sex. Talk.
Trust usually grows with time and talk. Enduring relationships are based on trust. Trust is also the basis for feeling comfortable with one another during sex. Trust eliminates the fear of ridicule and rejection and allows one to relax in the presence of the other. Trust is essential in a caring sexual relationship. As mentioned in an earlier chapter, trusting each other is more than not worrying about infidelity. It also speaks to a level of comfort with the other. Trust comes from an abiding sense that each partner is committed to the other's well-being. This doesn't mean that partners cannot disagree with each other about important issues. It does mean that no matter what stand one takes, the position is respected. Trust inspires confidence in being supported by the partner. Sexual confidence flourishes in a trusting relationship.
Touch -- and response to be being touched -- is part of being human. We are, after all, raised and cuddled from infancy with the loving and attentive touch of parents and family. Studies show clearly that babies who do not receive the human comfort of loving touch fail to thrive. Adults also need and response to touch. The affectionate touch between partners, both outside and inside the bedroom, is an important part of life together.
Many women who seek counseling complain that their partners pay little attention to them during a given day. These same women are surprised when they are approached by some "stranger" in bed with the lights go out at night. As far as the woman is concerned, there has been no preparation for intimacy. Here is an example of where some men really don't get it. Not only do these men not bother to touch their partners in nonsexual ways and in nonsexual situations, but they are puzzled when their partners complain when they do touch them in bed. If these men had paid attention to the need for touch in the process of keeping the erotic pot bubbling, they might be pleasantly surprised once the lights go out.
Some men (and couples) are not comfortable with touch because they have become "rusty" from lack of practice. That's right. Some people need practice to appreciate the pleasure that comes from giving and receiving touch. This is especially true when it comes to receiving an erotic touch from a partner. Many men tend to focus on the genitals as a sole target of receiving pleasurable sexual sensations. Not that there is anything wrong with that. They might, however, be pleasantly surprised to experience the stirring of genital arousal from nongenital stimulation by their partner.
Tuning in to pleasures of touch is all part of the overall sexual enhancement that comes from being open to and practicing paying attention to our senses.
Together, the Four T's help keep the erotic pot bubbling. When paid attention to, these ingredients provide an ongoing and ever-growing foundation for healthy relating and an environment for open, honest, and satisfying sex.
Excerpted from The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions
Copyright 1999 Richard Milstein, M.D. and Julian Slowinski, Psy.D.
W.W. Norton and Company, New York
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