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Dealing with A Partner Who is Afraid of Intimacy
(06/29/2007) by Elizabeth Schroeder
I recently spoke with a woman whose year-long relationship with her partner was, according to her, "going great." They were "madly in love" and talking about a future together. Then, things started to change. Instead of staying at one of their apartments every night, for example, he began spending a few nights each week at his place. He had not met someone else, he told her, he just slept better sometimes on his own. If they didn’t spend the night together, she would call him to say goodnight. When she did, he would seem indifferent, even aloof. Each time she’d ask him what was wrong, he’d say, "nothing." She was missing the intimacy she’d had with him up until then. Yet each effort she made to get this intimacy or to find out what was going on pushed him farther and farther away – until one day, the relationship ended.
This is far from the first relationship experiencing this phenomenon. Referred to as a "pursuer/distancer" relationship, it is a relationship in which one partner tends to seek "more" – more intimacy, more commitment – basically, more reassurance that the relationship is stable and will continue. It can take place in longer-term, committed relationships and marriages, as well as in newer relationships. And while in the example above the distancer was male and the pursuer female, a person of any gender can be either pursuer or distancer, so we see this in both different-sex and same-sex relationships.
What’s going on in this type of relationship? While it can look different in different relationships, basically the pursuer is anxious about the relationship, and demands more intimacy. The distancer is anxious about being hurt in the relationship, and pulls back to avoid being too vulnerable. As the pursuer tries harder, the distancer pulls farther away, causing the pursuer to press even harder – and the cycle continues. Sometimes, people switch roles within relationships – the pursuer may realize that she or he is pushing too hard, and then pulls away to avoid ending the relationship, and the distancer may pursue the partner as aggressively as she or he had been distancing.
This dynamic is among the greatest reasons why communication is important in a relationship. It’s important to be able to say things like, "I’m feeling vulnerable." Using "I" statements like that is important, rather than, "You never talk to me," which can feel accusatory and serve to push the distancer even farther away. Similarly, the distancer needs to be able to say things like, "I’m worried that if we get too close I’m going to get hurt," or "I’m pulling away because you’re pushing too much." Whatever the feelings are, they need to be expressed – clearly and directly – otherwise they can fester and get blown out of proportion, which in turn can lead to misunderstandings or traumatic relationship dissolutions as I described at the beginning of this article. It’s also important for people to remember that couples are always going to have times when they are completely in synch, and times when one is wanting more or less from the relationship. If there is a balance of that, the relationship is likely to continue and be seen as healthy. If, however, there is always a distancer-pursuer dynamic, regardless of who is playing either role, the relationship may be on the road to failure.
As always, relationship counseling can be invaluable here. Having an impartial person in the room to recognize and point out this pattern, who can work with the relationship unit as well as each partner individually, is invaluable to fixing a relationship. But, as with any relationship, it can’t be fixed if only one partner wants to fix it.
More and more books about relationship issues are focusing on or including the distancer-pursuer relationship. For more information, check out what’s in your local bookstore, or ask a family/relationship therapist to suggest a resource that she or he has found particularly helpful.
Source: www.loveandhealth.info This article appears in the following topics:
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