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Do You Have a Problem with Porn?
(06/21/2008) by Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST & Larry Maltz LCSW
Porn is available anywhere, any time these days – on the Internet, cable television, cell phones, iPods, and more. Unlike just a decade ago, it’s often free and difficult to avoid. In fact, you can see more porn in a few minutes online than most people saw during their entire lifetime a generation ago. And today’s porn offers a plethora of images that cater to many tastes and temperaments, from soft-core porn to things like bondage, violent sexual acts, and child sexual abuse. It also has the power to shape sexual interests and behaviors, and create negative consequence in people’s emotional, physical, social, relationship, and spiritual lives like never before.
It’s no wonder that more and more porn users are asking themselves, “Do I have a problem with porn?” Perhaps, you are one of them, or you may know someone who is.
A quick way to examine whether porn has become (or is becoming) a problem in your life is to ask yourself these five questions:
1. Is porn hurting my sex life with a partner — or my chances of having a satisfying sex life with a partner?
There is no doubt that porn is a highly effective sexual stimulant. Watching it can turn you on and “spice things up” with a partner. But what you may not realize is that too much exposure, especially over a long period of time, can seriously harm your sexuality.
Porn can easily go from being something that can enhance a sexual experience to something that funnels sexual energy away from a partner or potential partner until IT becomes the primary object of your sexual desires. By misleading you about what is realistic and healthy (mutual pleasure, full-body sensuality, and love), porn can end up teaching you a self-centered, voyeuristic, genitally-focused approach to sex that can turn an intimate partner (or future intimate partner) off. And if you try to hide your porn use, the lying and secrecy will undermine the honesty, trust, respect, and closeness in your intimate relationship.
2. Is porn use decreasing my self-esteem and respect for others?
Porn isn’t good for you if it makes you feel bad about yourself in the long run. Ted, a twenty-six year old former porn user, told us that he became “disgusted” with him self for getting off on porn, being so attached to it, and lying to others about what he was doing. “I desired porn physically, but in my heart I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do,” he said.
When you fantasize and act in sexual ways that go against what you value and want for yourself and for others, you end up conflicted and distressed. You may feel anxious, defensive, depressed, guilty, ashamed, and isolated. Porn use that causes you to be dishonest, deceitful, or hypocritical is obviously not good for you – the price is too high when porn costs you your integrity and healthy sense of connection with others.
3. Is using porn interfering with other parts of my life, such as doing my job well, studying for school, getting enough sleep, or spending time with my family?
While using porn may start out as “a little fantasy entertainment on the side,” many people find themselves sucked in by the game-like nature of finding new and different images that turn them on. As a result, it can eat up increasing amounts of time with detrimental consequences.
Charlie, a thirty-three year old computer specialist, recalls how time spent with porn hurt his career and relationships. “I wasted huge tracks of time on porn and fell behind in my work. I was spending three to four hours a day on something that had no benefit to me as far as becoming a better person, gaining skills, understanding the world better, or enhancing my relationships with other people.”
4. Has my porn use become addictive or compulsive?
Porn use can be highly addictive. Studies have found that regular exposure acts on your brain and body much like regular use of drugs or tobacco. Porn creates a triple feel-good cocktail — it sexually excites, provides a fantasy escape, and creates a feeling of relaxation following orgasm. You may wonder how something that you don't actually ingest can alter your brain chemistry and physiology, but just because something enters your body through your eyes and ears and not your mouth, doesn't mean it's not getting in and doing damage. Regular porn users often report that in time they find themselves needing more of it and more graphic, risky, and intense images to get the desired effect. Some porn users experience unpleasant withdrawal symptoms, such as irritability and difficulty sleeping, when deprived of porn.
Signs of a porn addiction include craving porn intensely and persistently, being unable to control your use or stop, and continuing to use it despite your encountering serious problems with it. Bonnie, a former porn addict said, “After a while, Internet porn took on a life of its own. Rather than me using it, it was controlling me. I lost the power to say no.”
5. Is porn use leading to risky, dangerous, or illegal behaviors?
It’s easy to lose perspective on what you’re doing and risking when you’re under the seductive spell of porn. A relationship with porn can become a living nightmare when it leads to the break-up of a relationship, loss of a job, rejection from your friends and family, or trouble with the law. Unfortunately, someone who is “high” on porn may not see these disasters lurking right around the corner, or they may fool themselves into thinking they’re too smart to get in trouble.
Rob, a recovering porn addict, said, “Porn felt good in the moment, but then it just took me down. When I got busted for downloading child porn, it cost me everything I cherished — I lost my lovely wife, my two beautiful kids, a well-paying job, and a big beautiful house. Clever as I thought I was, I never saw it coming.”
A “yes” answer to any one of the five questions above can indicate a problem with porn and the need to take action to address it.
BREAKING AWAY FROM PORN
As with other health concerns, the sooner you recognize problems and get help, the easier it is to recover. You have to acknowledge the problem, find support for making healthier choices, deal with the negative repercussions of past porn use, and learn new, healthier approaches to sexual relationships and intimacy. Our book, The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography offers many ideas for accomplishing these goals and provides a roadmap to successful healing and long-term recovery.
The benefits of recovering from a harmful porn habit are well worth the effort. As Derek said, “Now that I’ve stopped using porn, I feel better about myself as a human being. I’m able to be more present and connected with other people. I’ve stopped sexually objectifying everyone. For the first time in my life I feel here and sexually healthy.”
Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST, is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and lecturer. Larry Maltz LCSW is the executive director of Maltz Counseling Services in Eugene, Oregon. They are coauthors of The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography (Collins, 2008). Their website is www.HealthySex.com
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