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Getting In Position: A Sex Over Forty Guide
(05/04/2004) by Ellen Rapp
Too many men and women in long-term relationships lament that “the thrill is gone” but often don’t understand why. Some blame themselves or their partners or tell themselves that sexual boredom is as inevitable a part of growing older as wrinkles and reading glasses.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
And here’s why: To coin a cliche, variety can be the spice of intercourse.
Many couples don’t realize that their lovemaking routine may be a source of the boredom. If you had to eat the same dinner every night, the evening meal would lose its appeal. The same is true of sex: Too much sameness can diminish the appeal.
The answer: Vary the menu.
There are many kinds of sex play, but here let’s consider intercourse and different ways to do it — that is, experiment with positions. This doesn’t men you and your partner have to become gymnasts. In fact, some of the most satisfying positions are as easy on the body as they are pleasurable.
The following guide looks at some positions for sexual intercourse, including variations. For instance, you may find that even the tried-and-true missionary position takes on new excitement when you experiment with variations as simple as altering the position of your legs or torso.
As you and your partner experiment, tell each other what feels good and what doesn't. Be honest, be sincere, and be open. Above all, enjoy.
The Missionary Position (Man on Top)
This position derives its name from 19th century Christian missionaries who believed that man on top was the only natural and proper position for intercourse. They encouraged their foreign converts to abandon their so-called “animal” positions in favor of it, and Polynesians took to referring to their changed sexual style as “missionary” positioning.
Probably the most popular sexual posture in Western culture, the missionary position can be extremely satisfying for both sexes. And it offers a surprising array of opportunities for variety.
One reason for satisfaction is the intimacy this position offers. You are facing each other, allowing for lingering kisses and full contact along the length of your bodies. The woman can stroke her partner's back and buttocks; he can lower his head to kiss and suck her breasts.
Usually in this position, the woman has her legs wrapped around her partner’s hips or bent, knees up, at either side of them. She can spread her legs wide or keep her thighs pressed together for added friction as she receives his thrusts. Or her partner can try kneeling before her as she lays suppine with her legs spread and knees up, a position that might be eased by placing a pillow under her hips. This variation allows him, or her, to touch her clitoris during lovemaking.
The missionary position doesn’t allow for a lot of clitoral stimulation, so it’s not the best for female orgasm — unless you vary it a bit. The coital alignment technique, or CAT, puts the male groin in closer contact with the clitoris. Instead of propping himself up with his arms, the man lies with his body resting atop his partner’s and positions himself farther forward than usual between her legs. That way, the base of his penis presses against her clitoral area during penetration. In this variation, instead of male thrusting, both partners move their pelvises together with gentle, rocking motions.
If it’s deeper penetration you want, the woman can try aligning her legs along the man’s torso while tucking her knees upward until they are inside his armpits. For even deeper penetration, she can swing her legs over his shoulders before he begins thrusting. This is enjoyed most by women who are very limber — and the man should keep in mind that gentle thrusts work best.
Woman on Top
Also known as the “female-astride,” this is considered the easiest way for a woman to reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Kneeling or lying on top of her suppine partner, she can control the speed, rhythm and angle of penetration in a way that arouses her most. She can move her pelvis against her partner's so that her clitoris rubs against his pubic bone — an effective way to trigger an orgasm in some cases. Or, with her torso raised so that she is sitting on her partner, she (or he) can touch her clitoris by hand while he is inside her.
This position can be a revelation for couples who have only made love missionary-style. Besides giving the woman an opportunity to control the physical action and increase her chances of coital orgasm, it also offers the man a chance to lay back and enjoy what his partner is doing. For many older men who have spent their adulthood believing it is the male’s responsibility to take charge of his partner’s pleasure during sex, letting go of this notion can be quite liberating and stimulating. He may be surprised to discover just how exciting it is to let his partner take control.
She can face her partner as she rides him, or face away. While mounted on his penis she can lean forward, letting him kiss her mouth and breasts. She can move fast or slow; straight up and down or side to side, or revolve her pelvis in circular motions. She can titillate him by taking just the head of his penis into her vagina, then slowly taking in the shaft, then back to the head alone, and so forth in rhythmic motions.
In this position, the couple must take care lest the woman unitentionally hurt the man by bending his penis during insertion or thrusting. Morning is a particularly good time for this type of lovemaking as men tend to have their firmest erections shortly after waking.
Some men find it more comfortable to have their partner get on top in a kneeling position, facing toward his feet, which eliminates any pressure on his hips or lower back. She can support herself in this posture by resting her hands on the bed near his ankles.
The X Position
From the woman-on-top position, you can move easily into this variation, in which both partners lean back and face each other, pelvises interlocked. Described and illustrated in Dr. Alex Comfort’s The New Joy of Sex, the X-position gets it name from the fact that the couple’s connected bodies resemble that letter.
Here’s how: Once you are in the female-astride position, with the woman facing her partner, she lies back with his penis still inside her until each partner’s head and torso is between the other’s open legs. Clasping each other’s hands for balance, move your hips together gently and slowly.
Comfort notes that this is an excellent position for leisurely lovemaking because its “slow coordinated, wriggling movements” are conducive to keeping the man erect and the woman “close to orgasm” for prolonged periods.
“Spooning” (Rear-Entry Sideways)
Of all the positions for sexual intercourse, this is the gentlest. It not only requires less exertion but also is easiest on the back, the hips and other joints. The woman lies on her side with her back to her partner. He lies alongside her and enters her vagina from behind.
In this position, the woman's back rests against her partner's chest as her buttocks press against his pelvic area. He can kiss her back and neck, fondle her breasts and belly as he thrusts. Also within easy reach are her clitoris and mons (the sensitive mound of flesh over the pubic bone).
Getting into position may be tricky: If the man has trouble inserting his penis from this angle, his partner can bend forward at the waist to make it easier for him to penetrate.
Once penetration is accomplished, the spoon position is smooth sailing. It allows both partners to make love without either having to support the other’s weight, so it is good for those times when you both feel a bit tired — but not too tired to make love. It also is a particularly good position for those who suffer from back pain or arthritis. If knee pain is a problem, small pillows can be placed between the knees to cushion those joints.
Conducive as it is to relaxed lovemaking, spooning also allows for more vigorous thrusting if that’s your mood.
Sideways Face-to-Face
In the sideways face-to-face position , you and your partner lie facing each other, legs intertwined. Think of this position as spooning in reverse. Some couples may not feel comfortable having prolonged intercourse in this position because it puts more stress on the back and hips than does spooning. But if you feel like changing positions, you can easily roll over into the missionary without having to pull apart and reconnect. Or, you can start out in the missionary and switch to the sideways position.
It is not easy to manually stimulate the clitoris while making love in this position, but there are plenty of other advantages. Both partners have equal freedom of movement and can match each other thrust for thrust. You can move your torsos away from each other to achieve deeper penetration, enjoy lingering kisses, and stroke each other's back and buttocks. This face-to-face position has a friendly aspect that many couples enjoy.
Sitting
Whether you do it on a firm mattress or a comfy chair, this can be an exciting change of pace from horizontal lovemaking.
Choose a well-cushioned chair that is secure enough to support your combined weight and wide enough so that neither of you feels cramped. Then, one partner sits in the chair and the other gets on top.
This position is much easier if the male is the seated partner. With the man seated, she straddles his lap, either facing forward or away from him. She can then move up and down or back and forth with him inside her. Facing him, she can maneuver herself so that her clitoral area rubs against his pubic bone, increasing her chances of orgasm. If she faces away, he can still touch her breasts and her behind. He also can reach around to play with her clitoris.
Either way, the non-seated partner does most of the “work” because the seated one has little freedom of movement.
Someone with back trouble would be most comfortable as the sitting partner, using a small pillow to support the lower back.
You can also try this in bed with the woman on top. With a pillow behind him for support, he sits with his back against the headboard, legs extended flat out and slightly parted with her kneeling above. As with sex in a chair, the woman is the active one.
“Doggie-Style”
In this position, the woman gets down on either her hands and knees or her elbows and knees, with buttocks raised, as her partner kneels or stands behind her. Once erect, he enters her from behind, using his arms to balance himself as he thrusts inside her. As its name implies, this position imitates the one that that canines and most other mammals use for sexual intercourse.
In the man-standing variation of thisposition, the woman kneels at the edge of the bed, facing in, and the man stands on the floor behind her. This puts less strain on both partners.
The “animalistic,” primitive aspect of doggie-style sex is a turn-on for many, as is the depth of penetration this position provides. It generally offers a tighter fit than other positions. Also, the angle of entry makes it easier for the penis to stimulate the front wall of the vagina, an area where some women experience heightened sexual sensitivity.
Both man-kneeling and man-standing ear-entry intercourse offers the man a sexy view of his partner’s raised buttocks and allows him to fondle her various erogenous zones. For added stimulation, he can reach underneath to play with her clitoris or she can masturbate as he thrusts in and out. He can grip his partner's hips or buttocks while thrusting, or, supporting himself with one hand, use the other to cup her breasts from behind.
Meanwhile, she is able to push her buttocks against her partner, returning his thrusts. She can lower her head, raising her buttocks higher in the air. Or she can lower her body until she is lying on her stomach, her pelvis tilted upward to receive her lover's thrusts (placing a pillow under his middle can make this easier). For women with arthritic hips, a more comfortable variation is to kneel on the floor, preferably one with thick carpeting, resting her upper body against the bed as her partner kneels behind her. Since doggie-style intercourse involves deeper penetration than other positions, it's best for a man to start out gently and take his cue from his partner. He should ask her to let him know if he is hurting her while they make love. This position could be difficult for women who are experiencing menopausal symptoms such as vaginal shrinkage and loss of moisture and may be easier with the use of a vaginal lubricant.
For most couples, penis-in-vagina intercourse is a sexual staple: the “main course” in their erotic menu. As you experiment with different sexual entrees, you may just find you have more of an appetite than ever.
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