His job hours have changed a little since then and he doesn't get much sleep. Before we met, we were both very sexually active. For him though it was a lot of meeting women online and just having sex with them once. Playing with women online through the webcam, porn sites, etc. He was engaged once a long time ago and no serious relationship between her and me.

Now, we are newlyweds. He can't get an erection. The other night he didn't even get an erection from oral. A couple of nights we tried messing around and we both got so frustrated that we just stopped. If we watch porn together he gets an erection.

This is obviously a problem. Of course since I'm a female I automatically think it's me he's not attracted to. But it's not me. It is a serious problem.

First, he said it was probably because he's tired all the time. Then he said that he would go to the doctor to get Viagra. Last night he said that he's always had a problem having sex with women that he's cared about. He also made mention that basically it's not that big of a deal seeing me naked anymore because there isn't any suprise. Not to toot my own horn but I don't have a bad bod for 39 and for God sake we have only been together just over a year.

Now he's got me to the point that I'm not even turned on when he touches me because I know that I don't turn him on. I won't initiate anything because if he doesn't get an erection it makes me feel worse.

I also want to add that there is NO oral on his part. I could count on my fingers how many times he's performed oral sex on me.

I don't know what to do. I waited 39 years to say "I do", I love this man and have no doubt that he loves me, but I cannot be in a sexless marriage. I LOVE sex and am too young to have a relationship without it. I will end up having an affair. I know that he will too because he won't be getting the thrill of sleeping with someone new all the time. Not to mention, he's in the Navy and will be going on deployment for five months and goes away all the time. How do I trust him while he's gone?

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm getting so depressed I can't stand it.

In identifying what type of sexual desire disorder is being experienced, there are different types and based on your description, your partner may have Acquired/Situational Sexual Desire Disorder. This means a man begins a relationship with great sexual vigor but it declines with the aging of the relationship. Conversely, this person may be able to achieve arousal for masturbatory purposes. A man with this condition can also be sexual with women when there is no possibility of greater intimacy, if intimacy occurs it decreases his desire and arousal. As you can see, the greater the distance exhibited due to the lack of desire is going to create a greater feeling of disconnect and concern on your behalf that he’s simply no longer interested in you, which will in turn create disagreements in the relationship. It becomes a vicious cycle of frustration. Due to the frustrations this creates in a relationship, open and honest communication is going to be key in helping each of you gain a higher level of comfort and intimacy (including physical satisfaction) in the relationship.

Some important conversations to engage can include the importance of touch for each of you. Discuss your preferences for hand holding, kissing, and hugging, including duration of time and whether it should occur all the time or only as an indicator to other sexual activity. You stated that your partner rarely performs oral sex on you and it sounds like you would like it to happen more often. Have a conversation with him about this and other ways you can give each other pleasure. Due to the challenge being experienced with full erections, it is more important that the two of you explore ways to entice and please each other in sexual ways others than intercourse. These other ways could be mutual masturbation, erotic talk or visual stimulation, massage. Let your imaginations guide you. The last comment I will add is sexual desire disorders (if that’s is the issue in this situation) can be a very emotionally challenging experience and will take time to treat. It is usually not something that can be achieved without professional support so I would strongly encourage you to seek out assistance if these challenges persist. Hope this gives you some insight and hope!

Reviewed by: Kathleen Scarbo (VanKirk) MA, DHS, CYT