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Question:
I am in a relationship of two years standing with a man who I think has autism. He is high functioning - lives alone, is financially independent, looks after himself well physically and reads widely.
His interests are limited and some are not done in isolation.
I am a teacher with a Masters in Education and recognised many unique ways that he learns - he is a fascinating man. Whilst the realtionship is generally loving I have fears about some of his distancing and avoidance of intimacy.
He seemed to be largely unaware of what his problem was until I met him and his mother had just come to accept that he was just like that - special.
He is special and warm and kind and clever.He is also very self unaware and has limited concept of me and my needs unless I explain clearly and unemotionally what I want.
He can be very difficult ot be with because he is not empathetic.
What chance does a relationship have of lasting with the male partner having autism?
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: (05/19/2004)
Thank you for asking this important question.
Assuming that your assessment of him is correct, and he does have autism, there is no reason why you shouldn't have a a happy life together, but don't expect him to embrace the idea that you have discovered he has this 'major problem' that needs to be 'fixed'
Relationships of all kinds can be a minefield. Men and women can often come to blows because of a womans desire to 'change' the man (or vice versa) To make him/her more like we think or feel s/he could be. All that potential! I've seen many times relationships become eroded because of this perceived failure to change. Relationships where partners are more accepting of the others foibles are a lot happier.
Now, just to confuse you - on the opposite end of the scale an autistic adult is VERY set in their ways, but of course one can always learn.
You can teach and old dog new tricks, but basic emotions are something BEST learned in early childhood, so in some ways you will never get him to 'unlearn' but you can broaden his AWARENESS and conception of what it is that YOU feel, in comparison to how he feels.
You can still show and teach him things without changing who he is. You seem to be at odds of his ability to express FEELING. It doesn't mean he doesn't have the feeling - quite often (me included) a person is so overwhelmed at times with emotion or feeling the only way to cope is to close everything up. Like the hermit crab scoots back in his shell 100 miles an hour = we're all back there!!!
No relationship is perfect. The longest lived marriages had a very healthy dose of compromise, as well as lots of love and affection. Persistence and patience will pay off, but sometimes you will realise that with some things its a no-go zone, so you will have to compromise in some way. In many things you will have to show him by example, and by taking the initiative. Eventually he will understand his cues.
It may be that your relationship may take on a nature similar to that of David Helfgott and his teacher, then wife. She taught him a lot about life and he taught her a lot about love and human emotion.
Good Luck, and thank you for coming to The Sexual Health Network,
Melissa BEEReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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