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Question:
I'm a 35 year-old man with cerebral palsy and I've never had a sexual relationship. I'm not feeling like a sexual person anymore. What can I do?
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Answer:
by Russell Shuttleworth: (05/13/2004)
I am addressing your concern of "not feeling like a sexual person anymore." Acceptance or rejection of one as a lover (especially in the beginning) is unfortunately often connected to those images of
attractiveness and functioning that our culture most values. While many of us involved in disability studies are fighting to expand the notion of desirability, the ideals and values of mainstream society to a significant degree still hold sway. As a man with cp., depending on severity, it is often hard to make intimate connections that may lead to sexual relations. Nevertheless, there are people out there who do not
let the prevalent images of attractiveness determine who they choose to get into physically intimate relationships with. In the study I am conducting with 14 men who have cp. on their pursuit of sexual relationships (ages 18-54), 10 of the men have been involved in 1 or more sexually intimate relationships lasting for more than 3 months during their life, 3 have been married, 2 are currently married and 4 are currently in long-term relationships. Keep in mind only one of the study participants has mild cp. All of the others have significant mobility impairments and most have speech difficulties with 4 men being non-verbal
and using augmentative communication devices.
It is clearly not easy to continually risk one's self in trying to establish relationships that have the potential for sexual relations. Yet, this is what the consensus is for the men who are successful in my study. The trick is to be respectful of others and not to offend sensibilities. One has to also learn to think of one's self as a sexual being, as sexy, even though the message that disabled people get from the larger society is often that this is not an option. You say that you
can't find anyone. If you have been rejected often, this is likely impacting your sexual self-esteem. Yet, you must resist thinking you are not a sexual person; others will pick that up and you will even have less chance.. The most successful men in my study have figured out how to communicate their sexual nature to others. A clear message that is conveyed by the research is that alternative contexts to the cultural context of romance works best for disabled men. It makes sense that singles bars and mainstream relationship ads in which people are often judged on how closely they fit our society's ideals most often do not work for people with disabilities (it would be interesting to see how much they in fact work for non-disabled people). Communal living arrangements, artistic communities, disability related work environments and involvement in the Independent Living Disability Rights Movement are
several alternative contexts in which some of the men in my study have been able to develop a sense of themselves as sexual and have in fact found sexual love.
Among men in my study the experience and knowledge of peers is also very important. Have you talked to other men with cp. about the ways in which
they have established relationships. You may get some important tips this way. I facilitated a meeting between two non-verbal men in my study, one who is married and who has had many relationships and one who had never had a girlfriend and who is 33. Several months after that talk, in which some concrete information on how to go about trying to initiate a relationship occurred, the younger man utilized a suggestion given and was able to get involved in a relationship with a woman (of course, the woman happened to be hoping he would try to initiate
something--in this case asking for a backrub that segued into a heavy smooching session). Also, talking to the older more experienced man gave this guy hope (and courage) that yes some people are open to having
relationships with men with CP and think they are sexy to boot. It has been less than six months and the happy couple are now living together with the talk of marriage in the air!!! This example shows the importance of communicating with people who have experienced similar barriers social and cultural barriers but have been successful nonetheless.
I hope this information is in some way useful for you. Good luck,
Russell Shuttleworth
The Sexual Health Network
Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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