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Question:
I work with people who are Developmentally Disabled for an agency which is pretty progressive when it comes to sexuality issues. My questions are regarding someone who is able to consent to sexual activity but is not able to be in the community unsupervised. She lives in a group home with 9 other residents and it can be tricky for the staff at the site to plan for her to have private time with her boyfriend because we are currently expecting her housemates to not be in the home during this time. I am wondering how others address issues such as this one. Is it reasonable to expect her to only have private time when her peers are out of the home? We've also instituted some expectations for her during this time; she will respect the privacy of others by not enter their rooms, she will be discrete and not discuss her activity with her peers in the home(non of whom are able to consent to sexual activity), etc. If she violates the agreement,i.e. tells her peers what she is doing when they are out, what do you suggest we do? Her counselor has suggested that there be 'consequenses' yet I can not see taking away this right, but she is in essence teasing her peers by talking explicitly about what she is doing. Finally, if a peer does not choose to leave the residence when she has private time scheduled, which happens in response to her having shared information with peers about her private time since other consumers do not have that ability, do we deny her the private time which she has scheduled because of their presence?
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Answer:
by Susan Ludwig: (01/05/2006)
Thank you for writing to Sexualhealth.com with your question. I can appreciate that your issue with this young woman is one that concerns you as well as the others who work with her.
You are right; it would be a really impressive feat to be certain that all of this young woman’s housemates be out when she is “scheduled” to have time alone with her boyfriend. I wonder if that expectation is realistic.
I wonder if it might be preferable to construct another way for her to have some “private time” with her boyfriend? For example, they might want to have some private time together to do non-sexual things as well as to have consensual sex. If having “private time” becomes a normal event in this woman’s home life then you can help her create other privacy. For example, she might want to have music playing as “white noise” so others are not able to hear what is going on in her room (regardless of what she is doing).
After all, her housemates also have “rights” about being in their own home – and may resent being evicted against their wishes.
You are right to be concerned about privacy – both of this young woman and the others with whom she lives. Basic teaching about privacy is a fundamental principle of living close to others.
I have a simple curriculum that helps individuals who are non-verbal to learn how to understand the difference between things that are private, things that are public and things that are in-between or “be careful.” It would be helpful to all your residents.
I also agree that if she uses her private time with her boyfriend to tease her housemates that she needs to have some consequence. She needs to understand that sexual rights also carry responsibility. In addition, if she talks about her sexual intimacy with others, she is violating the privacy of her boyfriend and their relationship together.
Finally, I would recommend that this young woman, her boyfriend and others who have similar interest and ability to conduct an intimate relationship be offered group lessons in sexuality. This type of teaching is so important for those who are involved in intimate relationships – to help them shape those relationships into something that is satisfying to all involved!!
I wish you well as you support these individuals!Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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