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Question:
Melissa,
I have been in a long distance relationship with a man 52 y/o and have become aware when I fly to see him that he spends approx 4 hours a day on the net looking up porno and masturbating. He can't have an orgasm with me ( he states due to me not him )and I believe he is addicted and the only way he can have an orgasm is to masturbate. He states that he is not, but all I have read suggests that he is. And he does not care how this affects me. Also he is very obsessive compulsive and has bouts of depression. With further reading I also believe he is autistic or has AS. Is there a way for me to determine what he has? Or if there is a way to convince him that he needs help? Or is this something that I will have to accept and live with? He truly is a wonderful person and I enjoy being around him for the most part, but he is very self centered and believes I am the one with the problem.
I have read through your site, and through all of your Q & A that apply to me and have gained much knowledge. I just need to know where to go from here.
Thank you
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: (06/25/2004)
There are quite a number of very important issues that ou have brought up, so for the sake of brevity, I will actually cut through all of them and go straight for what I see as the heart of the matter.
What I see here is an issue of incompatability. Sure you can change and he can change (this is unlikley at his age, when most people are fairly 'set in their ways' even without the added difficuties of ASD and OCD, it could be an uphill battle.
You say you have to fly to see him, and that you value your time together. I imagine your gut feeling is telling you that you want to maintain contact, but the romance isn't working, and he isn't 'it' for you - else why would you want to completely change his character?
I suggest you value your friendship with this man, whether or not he has emotional and brain dysfunction, and look closer to home for romance and long term commitment from someone you have more in common with, who is more in tune with you and your needs (and you with theirs) without either of you feeling the need to change the other, to fit your own perceptions of 'ideal'.
Melissa BEE.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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