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Question:
I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and we are talking about getting married. Our relationship is wonderful except when it comes to our love life. We are both aware of a problem and neither has a guess of what it could be or how to fix it. My boyfriend and I had a great sex life for the first half of our relationshiop. It has gone all down hill. His sex drive is extremely low, while mine rather high. He has no reasons for me when we discuss it. I am not sure what to do anymore and would like to know it can improve. I feel it is a major problem and I just can't handle it anymore. Our relationship only suffers. I think it may come from depression perhaps, but he will not go see anyone.

Answer:
by Seth Prosterman: (05/17/2004)
The problem of low sexual desire within in the context of emotionally committed relationships is very common. After the honeymoon period, many couples report that sexual desire begins to wane or that sex becomes routine and boring. From my perspective this is not a sign of pathology, but a sign of normality. What you and your boyfriend need to do is find a way to cure normality. I am not trying to minimize the feelings of you are expressing, but letting you know that what you are experiencing is a challenge to each of your personal growth and development and a challenge to grow your relationship to the next level of passion, intimacy, fun and satisfaction. The best book written on the issues that you are dealing is called "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, Ph.D. He has a website that you can access to purchase the book and to see if there are workshops or retreats coming to your locality. You can also call the Marriage and Family Health Center to see if there is a therapist trained in the Schnarch's methodology in your area. To find a sex therapist you might try www.sexologist.org. I have helped many couples grow themselves and their relationships and hope that you will hang in their through the anxiety that one inevitably must experience to grow. It is definitely worth it in the long run. With best wishes, Seth Prosterman, Ph.D., MFT

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team

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