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Question:
When I was 13 my step father started molesting me. By the time I was 14, he was raping me almost every night.I finally told on him when I was 15 1/2. Of course I've been to several therapists and psychologists. But none of them have been able to help with the problem at hand. I'm married to a wonderful man, but when it comes time for intimacy, Things for me are really weird. I get very aroused, but when it comes time for actual penetration, I freeze up. It was something I learned to do at the time of the rapings, I would just go into my own little world. But now that I'm in a loving relationship,I can't seem to quit doing this. Everybody talks about the joys of orgasims, but I really have no clue and I'm not quite sure how to change my own behavior. And after we make love, I still feel wanting. Like something should have happened that didn't.

Answer:
by Blaise Parker: ()
Hi, I can imagine this would be very frustrating for you. I'm so very sorry that you had this experience in your life, and I think it's only natural that this would cause a problem in your sexual encounters. You're very fortunate to have such an understanding husband. I really have been struggling with what to suggest to you that you haven't already tried. I'm not a sex therapist myself, and normally in this situation I would recommend that you see one. Masturbation is another useful technique that I would have suggested, but you say that this hasn't helped you either. One thing I will say is that therapists vary in their abilities, and it could be that the one who is going to be able to help you is still out there somewhere. If you have only seen a regular therapist and not a sex therapist, I would definitely recommend a sex therapist. (You can find one in your area by looking at "http://www.aasect.org" (AASECT web page.) Although (and I stress this!) I am not a counselor, it sounds to me like your best bet would be a behavioral (or perhaps cognitive behavioral) approach to sex therapy. In this, the therapist would use the principles of learning to help you relax during intercourse and to be more "in the moment" if you will. It would most likely be helpful to have some sessions alone with the therapist and some with your husband present. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having an initial meeting with the counselor and asking them what they would recommend for you, what course of therapy you'd be following, etc. Be honest about your past experiences and explain that you just want to make sure you're finding someone who can truly help you. Remember, that therapist is your employee and it's not wrong of you to expect results for your payment. The only other thing I can recommend at this point is that you check out some books specifically related to child sexual abuse. Perhaps you have already tried this, but if not, they may have some good tips for you. Two that I've heard good things about are: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060950668/qid=1005838997/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_3_1/104-4739427-3133535 "The Courage To Heal" (which also has a workbook you can buy seperately) and, "http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1573440795/qid=1005838959/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_7_1/104-4739427-3133535 "The Survivor's Guide to Sex". Go over and check out the reviews for those books and see if you think they'd be helpful for you. I wish you the best of luck with this. I'm sorry I couldn't provide any information to you different than what you've already tried. I hope you can find someone to help you in your recovery. Take care, Blaise

Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology

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