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Question:
A few months back my wife went out with a friend of hers to a night club. while in the club my wife started drinking and ended up kissing another woman and and told her "ill make you feel like a woman" does this indicate any kind of bi-sexualism tendencies from my wife? or is it normal since she was drinking and might have not realized what she was doing. She is a 20 year old female I am 24. Most of her friends are either lesbian or bi-sexual. I do not know if this has anything to do with it or not.
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: (06/18/2004)
Hi,
Here's my take on the matter. It sounds like you're asking a couple of questions here. 1) Is your wife's behavior normal? and 2) Might your wife be bisexual?
In answer to the first question, it really depends on what sort of definition of "normal" you are using. Same-sex experimentation is common in young adults (although scientific findings disagree as to exactly how common it is). There is no evidence that I am aware of that shows it is psychologically harmful. In fact, many developmental theories suggest that adolescents and young adults go through periods of experimenting with their identities. These experiments can be brief, or they can result in relatively permanent changes. It really depends on the individual involved. Your wife is still a young woman and may simply be exploring her identity. This is especially understandable if she has many friends who are lesbian or bisexual. While I would never suggest that hanging out with gay, lesbian or bisexual people can "make" one "become" gay, lesbian or bisexual, it would be understandable if it caused her to wonder about her own same-sex interests. And the addition of alcohol to the situation certainly could have been a factor. It does lower inhibitions, as I am sure you know!
In answer to your second question, does this experience mean that your wife is bisexual? Not necessarily. She is really the only person who can decide that, and she may not be ready to make that decision. (And even when/if she does make that decision, keep in mind that it could change. Sexual identity is a fluid thing. I once interviewed a woman who was heterosexual for her first 30 years of life, lesbian for her next 12, and bisexual for the past year!) Your wife probably has some same-sex attractions (if I may make that judgement based on her behavior), and she may decide that those attractions are significant enough for her to call herself bisexual. Or, she may not. Either way, making decisions about sexual identity is difficult, and I would encourage you to support her (rather than argue with her or deny the importance of her feelings). If you are not comfortable with her same-sex attractions or with her sexual identity, you might want to find someone you can trust to talk about it with. You can certainly approach it with your wife if you think you can have the discussion in a way that will not harm your relationship. Or, you can find outside support from a friend, family member, counselor, etc.
Please keep your wife's need for privacy in mind, too, though.
You say that you feel insecure and she does not want to talk about it more. Her reluctance could be for a number of reasons. Perhaps she is not comfortable with what she did and needs some time to think it over. She may feel bad for being attracted to a woman or for kissing someone else who is not her husband. Or, it may be that she is afraid to talk to you about it because she's afraid of what you'll think. Or it may simply be that she doesn't feel like it's a big deal and doesn't want to spend a lot of time analyzing the whole thing. Ask yourself why you feel insecure about this. Is it because you think she will cheat on you? Is it because you are not comfortable with her possible bisexuality? How would the situation be different if she had kissed a man instead of a woman? I think looking at the answers to these questions could help you figure some things out.
This can be a difficult situation. The positive thing that I see is that your wife trusted you enough to talk with you about the situation, and you cared enough to seek some outside advice on the matter. Those are both good indications of a healthy relationship. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with the complex issue of sexual identity!
Take care,
Blaise
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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