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Question:
PLease help me to understand this...I have searched many sites to find my answer to my question...and now I ask you for your help...Ok/ here is my question to you...I am a very healthy-FEmale...(who is)considered to be attractive and attracted to most...but here is my "adversary" (and I mean that both literally & figuratively)...It is none other than myself...I never use to question my sexual-preference nor was it really important to me (at all)I loved and enjoyed those who I felt comfortable enough to be around...I had started doing "escort" for the pure pleasure of the word itself..."for companionship" in a non-sexual-manner...strictly platonic in nature (sure)there was a kiss here and there...but these individuals were chosen with the understanding, that there was to be NO SEXUAL envolvement at all...now with that said...here is my dilemma...(oh before I continue)...it should be noted, that I escorted ONLY women and they had to be of a certain caliber...now, you see I met this woman who I will refer to as MyLady-Friend...and If I were a "Lesbian" true to their nature, I would say that this woman IS the "Ideal" woman that every-one would want and cherish...So why can I not tell her this...that SHE IS MY IDEAL WOMAN...that she IS what I am searching for...I don't treat her as if she is a "client" and this has never crossed my mind...she IS however my first WOman-to-WOman relationship...as I have stated before...my sexual preference was never a question for me...because I never...not even (silently to myself) dreamed I would lay with a WOman as a man does...as I do...the question that comes to my mind repeatedly is this..."If I am not a "Lesbian" than why am I making love to a WOman & why do I feel the need to express myself to her as a man would...(ie)penetration with the use of a strap-on...I don't enjoy oral sex....and will not perform this act on her...she is very understanding of this and welcomes my penetration with a "false" penis...let me say this in my defense...I do not suffer from the so-called "proverbial" Freudian penis envy...I am very comfortable with who I am & what I am...I am a WOman who just happens to be making love to another Woman with a "false" penis...I am an aggressive-lover (if you will)and want nothing more than to show her how I feel (inside)...oral sex while it may please and gratify(s) her...does nothing for me...emotionally or physically...So I guess what I am asking is this...If I am not or rather do not consider myself to being a Lesbian...than why am I portraying myself as one(ie)a-soft-metrosexual-stud/butch...I was dressing as a so-called tom-boi/boi-toy way before these words came into play...I enjoy the feel of mens clothes against my body because I am very athletic and this style of clothing suits me well...when I go out...I do not search for either men or WOmen to be with or to have sex with...I enjoy both company on a very intellectual level...and having a sexual relationship with either is usually the furthest thing from my mind...I just enjoy really good company...I love to entertain and be entertained...my taste in WOman are as a connoisseurs...expertly in good taste & judgement...just as they are with the male...So where is my adversary...as I said before IT IS ME...so I must have a conscious some where...and as I have also stated... I am aware of me and my surroundings...but am I lying to myself...being a Lesbian IS NOT a "Taboo" to me...so it doesn't matter one way or another to me...but if I am tobe at all truthful, I can honestly say...that I will probably never lay with another WOman as I have laid with my LadyFriend...which leads me to believe...that I might be suffering from what one might view as "Sexual-Compulsion-Addiction"...to this Woman...Or, IS this some form of a "Sexual-Dysfunction...? Thank you for your time...and I apologise if this IS too long...but I really am searching for an answer that is quite possible staring me right in my face...but still it is always nice to hear what others advices are...
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Answer:
by Patricia Fawver: (04/27/2005)
Thank you for writing in. You bring up lots of interesting questions. I am glad that you are considering all of these different possibilities in your thinking about yourself and your sexuality. Several things came to mind as I was reading through your question. Sexual orientation and it's development is an interesting issue. For some women, they know right away (often around puberty) that they are attracted to women. For other women, attraction to women is something that doesn't develop until they are older - sometimes in the 20's, 30's, 40's or even later on in life. It could be that this is the only female you will ever be attracted to in this way. Possibly she is just the type of woman that inspires these feelings and responses in you. Or, it is also possible that this is the beginning of your exploration of feelings/attraction towards women and there will be other women in your life that you feel this way towards. This is something only time will tell. Even though most people have an erotic orientation that stays basically the same, there is a certain amount of fluidity to sexual orientation and feelings/attractions can certainly change and develop over the course of a lifetime. It could also be that you are finding yourself very drawn to the soul of this woman. Soul attractions can happen irregardless of the gender of the person you are being drawn to.
Another thought that came into my mind when I was reading your question was about gender orientation. Sometimes women (straight, gay, or bi) like to use strap-ons. It can be very fun and feel very powerful to have a penis and to have sex like a man. This doesn't have to mean anything about your gender, but it's also possible that it could. I have had clients who didn't realize they had gender issues until they got in a sexual situation like you're describing and then all of a sudden, awareness of some transgendered issues came to the surface. So, I wanted to give you a few questions to think about. How do you feel about being a woman? During your life, has it felt like the right gender for you? Full-time? Part-time? There is absolutely nothing wrong with gender-play in lovemaking or sexual situations. It can be a lot of fun and add variation to your usual erotic themes. Well, I hope I have given you some new things to think about or at least new ways to look at this. I would suggest that you spend time just being aware of your feelings and noticing your reaction in regards to both sexual orientation and gender orientation. Love, sex, and attraction are good things. While this may be a confusing time for you right now in your life, be glad that you have these feelings and celebrate the fact that you can experience such a passionate response with another person. I'm sure that after you spend some time thinking about these things and being aware of your feelings, you will sort it out. And remember, sexual orientation isn't something that has to be figured out. You can just allow it to flow and develop and see what life brings also. If things do get to bothering you too much though, you might consider going to see a therapist and talk this over for a few sessions. Sometimes it just helps to have an objective person to talk to who is a good listener and has empathy. Also, feel free to write me back if you want to talk about anything further or just to let me know how you're doing with all this. Take care, Patty Fawver Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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