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Question:
After our fourth child, my wife stopped being
interested in sex. She has a history of having been
sexually abused as a child, raped as an adult, and
experiencing medical problems on birth control. We
love each other and have had good sex in the past, but
the breakdown in our physical relationship now is
leading us to consider divorce. What can we do?
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Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: ()
It's not uncommon for survivors of sexual abuse
to go through a period of time in their lives when they
experience sexual difficulties. Problems can surface in
times of added stress. The frequent childbearing, new
parenting, and medical problems, are probably all
contributing to turn sex from something desired into
something dreaded.
The good news is that by working together as a
team you and your wife can do a lot to heal your
intimate relationship. Here are some ideas and
suggestions:
1) Look into permanent birth control methods such as
vasectomy or tubule legation,
2) Create regular special times to be with
each other without the children (romantic courtship,
dating, overnights away from home, time alone to talk
once the kids are asleep, strengthen your friendship,
etc.),
3) Learn new approaches to touch and sex that
increase safety and control for your wife.
In my book, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide
for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, I describe a number of
"relearning touch" exercises to help couples cope with
the sexual repercussions of sexual abuse and develop
new ways for approaching and enjoying sex (these are
also demonstrated in my "Relearning Touch" video as
well). These exercises start out with relaxed,
non-sexual touching and, over time (can be
months), evolve into comfortable sexual sharing. The
book also contains a chapter for intimate partners.
Sexual healing is generally an advanced stage for a
survivor in healing from sexual abuse. Thus, your wife
may need help with resolving emotional feelings
related to the past abuse before she is ready to
address sexual issues in your marriage. As a partner,
you may also need help in learning ways to increase
self-care and patience. Seeking the support and
guidance of a trained therapist who specializes in
sexual abuse recovery and sexual healing is highly
recommended.Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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