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Question:
I recently relocated and met a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. I am an adult survivor who was raised in extreme domestic violence and who was sexually abused as an adolescent. I am also a domestic violence counselor by profession. Since I met this man I have admittedly looked for something to be wrong with him: neediness, dependency issues, lack of trustworthyness etc. When I first met him I felt like I was in high school with stars in my eyes. I felt so attracted to him and butterflies were in my heart. I was very afraid to trust him and to allow myself and my life to be impacted and affected by him. When two months into the relationship he told me he loved me and would always be there for me, I was terrified. He bought me wonderful gifts for valentine's day. You name it he bought it, but I shut down to him sexually and I have not been sexually responsive to him since. The last man that treated me with this level of tenderness was my ex-beau of 7 years. A high school boyfriend who stayed with me after I was raped by a spurned boyfriend in high school. I don't know if I've turned cold towards this man because he is so available to me and I feel safer with unavailable men who are incapable of love; or if I just am not attracted to him in spite of his jestures. Perhaps he would be better off with a woman who can give him the love that he needs. I never saw my parents or other relatives express affection and tenderness toward each other. I have no true frame of reference for a loving marriage or relationship that includes sex.
Please Help,
I'm skilled at recognizing and facing danger and trauma and I'm awquard with safety and love.
Thank you
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Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: (06/02/2004)
Relax. This new relationship was probably developing to fast for your personal comfort level. It makes sense to be a bit cautious about proclamations of love, especially when one has a history of having been betrayed and hurt by loved ones. A healthy intimate relationship takes time to develop. Don’t rush to conclusions about whether it will or won’t work out until you have given it a fair amount of time (say, six months to a year). He says he loves you. Give him a chance to show you what that means. Don’t feel you need to reciprocate the level of affection he’s sharing--just take it in. If he’s right for you, love feelings for him will grow organically over time. Cooling the jets on the sexual side of the relationship for a while is actually not a bad idea. It can give you a chance to develop the friendship more and make sure his feelings are not dependent on your being sexual with him on a regular basis. Everyone deserves to experience the joys of a healthy loving relationship---INCLUDING YOU! Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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