Question:
Hello,
Here is my problem, I'm a 30-year old man. I'm married and have no problem having sex with my wife normally; still, I have a smoking fetish (seeing women smoke turns me on). A few months ago, I saw a clip of a teenager girl smoking and was very turned on by it. Now, I feel very guilty and concerned over it, as I'm scared it might indicate that I'm deep down a paedophile. I've never looked for child porn, never done anything inappropriate with a child or teenager and have no desire to. My question is: is a fetish arousing regardless of the age of the person who performs the fetish behaviour? Can a fetish "discern" right from wrong or does it just produce arousal automatically, regardless of morality? I'm very concerned by this, I don't want to be a paedophile and being aroused by an underage person is unacceptable to me, even if that's due to a fetish.
What do you think about this?
Thanks for any information.
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Answer:
by Patricia Fawver: (09/21/2007)
Hi. Thanks for writing in. In my experience as a Clinical Sexologist, fetishes (erotic preferences) are usually fairly specific.
I use the term 'erotic preferences' rather than 'fetish' because it is more inclusive of all of the facets of our sexuality. For example, the term erotic preference can include not only what we are attracted to but also who, when, where, and under what conditions. Also, for many people, the word 'fetish' has a negative connotation and carries the implication that the person's sexuality is somehow 'wierd' or abnormal. In reality though, all human beings have their own 'fetishes' (erotic preferences). It's just that some peoples preferences are more common among human beings than others. For example, a man with a strong preference for a woman's breasts is not usally considered to have a "breast fetish". He is just considered to be "normal" because his preference happens to fall into a more common preference category.
So, erotic preferences are often quite specific. For example, someone with a panty 'fetish' can often tell you the exact fabric content just by the feel or by the smell. Sometimes, the person is even able to tell the difference between a panty that is 80% nylon versus 90% nylon. Most people with fetishes experience their erotic interest in very strong ways. The senses (visual, smell, touch) are usually highly engaged and many people describe an electic feeling in their body when they encounter their erotic preferences.
Regarding age preference, most people also have fairly specific preferences too. Usually within a ten to twenty year period or so. For example, they might be attracted to someone between the ages of 20 and 40 or 40 to 50. For many people, the age of a preferred partner also increase as they themselves age. For some, it does not (example: older men who only date young women). For some people, it also goes in the opposite direction - when they are young, they have a preference for older partners (example: young women who only date older men).
So, most people do have age preferences regarding their erotic interests. Just because you were aroused watching the teenage girl smoking does not necessarily mean you are a pedophile. It may have been simply that it was the act of her smoking that aroused you and that you would have experienced that regardless of her age. Or, it may have been her young age that you were attracted to as well as the fact that she was smoking. Only you can answer that question for sure.
I am glad to hear that you are not sexually involved with minors. If you continue to have concerns regarding your desires, I strongly suggest that you seek therapy with someone who is knowledgable about all of these issues and who will help you figure them out. Patricia Fawver, Ph.D. Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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