Register to join our community
|
|
Question:
About once a month, my husband has sex with me during the night..not bothering to wake me up...I usually wake up with him rubbing on me...sometimes I push him away...sometimes I wake up from a dream of being raped to find him on top of me shoving his penis inside me...I have told him how I hate this and how I feel I am being raped...it is not making love, it is like he masturbates with me. It is not like we don't have sex, we do sometimes 3-4 times a week. He drinks too much and usually can't do it when we go to bed...but after a few hours he sleeps and then wakes up ready...everytime he says it won't happen again...every month it happens. This time it seemed more rough and i have gone to another bedroom...he thinks I am carring it too far..I am through..I hate him for doing this to me, he says "You never said STOP" I didn't, but it is so wrong...is this rape?
If I had a gun under my pillow, I'd kill him, I hate being used for him to masturbate with...why does he not just go in the bathroom and leave me alone...there is no pleasure for me!
He does not think it is wrong, he is controlling...he is starting to have problems because of drinking and blood pressure medicine..which he denies...semi/hard or looses it/ or does not always climax.
I tell him how it makes me feel when he does that, ask him to wake me up first. I do not just lay there and let it happen, I push him away.
I haven't talked to anyone about this because he always makes me feel like it's my fault, I was pushing against him in my sleep/I did not tell him to stop/convinces me it won't happen again
I don't want this to happen again/it will/it always does/if I leave/it will stop...married 27 years kids finally past 21...my love is gone. He won't change/he never is sorry cause he does not think he did anything wrong...it is not making love.
|
Answer:
by Wendy Maltz: (05/17/2004)
The sexual interaction you describe is unhealthy and hurtful, whether it
fits a legal definition of spousal rape or not. You need to learn how
to protect yourself from unwanted sexual contact with your husband. I
suggest you look into learning assertiveness and self-defense. Trust
yourself, honor your reactions, and be firm in setting limits and taking
care of yourself. I knew a survivor in a similar situation who put a
glass of ice water on the nightstand next to the bed each night and
warned her husband that if he tried to have sex with her when still
"asleep" that she was going to pour it on him to "wake him up." And
guess what? He never bothered her that way at night again! Another
woman wore a one piece swim suit to bed and it had a similar effect.
While I can't vouch for the appropriateness or effectiveness of either
of these techniques for you, they can give you a sense of the many
creative options at your disposal. Your anger and resentment are at
unhealthy levels. You need to put a stop to the behavior before you
harm your husband and, in turn, yourself. As a couple you don't stand a
chance of healing unless your husband can admit his wrong-doing.
Consent and choice are extremely important conditions for establishing
healthy sexual relating. BOTH people need to be awake and fully
conscious to consent to sex. Anything less, is unacceptable.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
|
This question appears in the following topics:
|
|
|
|
