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Question:
I am a 29 year old female. I have been married for 6 years and 9 months, and in the past year and a half or so my sex drive has almost completely vanished. My husband and I used to have sex 2-3 times per week until about a year and a half ago then it diminished to once a month. Now it has been two and a half months since our last sexual encounter. I have never failed to reach orgasm with my husband and I can still masturbate (though rarely now) to orgasm. But for some reason I simply do not relish the idea of sex with another human being. My husband is very attractive, and very sweet and kind. We cuddle and kiss (no tongues) all the time, but I don't want it to go any further than that. I also don't want sex with anyone else either. I've gotten to the point where I can walk by a man who is absolutely gorgeous and not feel anything.
It might be useful for you to know that I have been taking Depo Provera for about 4 or 5 years now for birth control. I have heard that that can contribute to low desire, but my problem only started 18 months ago. I also took Paxil for two months, which I have also heard can contribute to such a problem, but I have been off of that for two months now. The next logical question would be to ask what happened 18 months ago, yes? Well, I've thought about it and the answer is: nothing unusual. I don't have a stressful job, I get plenty of sleep, o.k. my diet is horrible (typical American fare), but it always was, I don't have any children to exhaust me or stress me out, and I couldn't ask for a better husband. So what's wrong with me? I'm stumped. And I want my sex drive back. I remember how much fun it was and I miss it. What do I do?
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (05/29/2004)
Thank you for contacting The Sexual Health Network, www.SexualHealth.com. You mentioned that you started taking Paxil for a while a few months ago. How are you feeling now? Are you still depressed? Depression can greatly reduce sexual desire and it is important to address this issue. I recommend having a thorough medical exam, including having different hormone levels (such as thyroid hormones and testosterone) tested. Hormone levels often have a direct effect on sexual desire. Be sure to address the issue of feeling low with your doctor. You may benefit from trying out another antidepressant. But these are not magic pills. I suggest finding a counselor, who can help you get to the bottom of why you are feeling depressed. This is in my opinion the most important step for you to take.
Next, after several years of marriage couples sometimes loose the spark in their sex-life. A good way of re-connecting may be to do "sensate focus exercises." These exercises are best done in several steps following detailed instructions from a sex therapist. But you can also try to do them on your own: Make an agreement with your husband that you will not have any intercourse and not achieve orgasms for a while. Get some nice massage oils, and try to arrange a time, where you both are rested and relaxed. Try to arrange a nice setting for both of you. If you like, take a relaxing bath together first. Then take turns touching all areas of your body except the genitals and your breasts/nipples. Start out lying on your back, and then turn over. Try to spend at least 1/2 hour on each other, and enjoy caressing different areas of your bodies. The person, who is receiving the touching, should try to let the other person know what feels good and what doesn’t. Be inventive. Use feathers, silk scarves, whipped cream or chocolate sauce to be licked off, whatever you like and whatever you can think of. Have fun. Try something new.
It is the idea to take small steps every time and after a while to also include the genital areas. The reason that you should not emphasize intercourse and orgasm in the beginning is that we often forget that there is more to the human body than just genitals. You may benefit greatly from re-connecting at a completely different level, and then you can grow from there. Hopefully you both will find these exercises pleasurable, and you may get a different attitude towards sex, which not necessarily has to include intercourse, but can involve giving each other pleasure simply by exploring and caressing each other's bodies.
Good luck with everything!
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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