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Question:
Well when I first started going out with my girl friend there was no pressure to make her "come", it shocked me the first time she said she was wet. I made her come really big the first time through manual stimulation of her clitoris, but now she rarely comes. It's a very small orgasm. This makes it really hard to relax and enjoy myself becaues it's always in the back of my mind. "Is she enjoying herself?" "when will sh come?", "how big will it be?" She rarelycomes now, through manual stimulation, oral sex, manual g-spot stimulation, both simultaniously. I've searched online for new techniques, new erogenious zones ( which i've found and tried) nothing seems to work. It's very frustrating that i can't make her orgasim regularly. She is plenty turned on, cause she is very wet, she is very attracted to me, and she isn't faking it. I just don't know what to do, i've even tried the AFE zone. Nothing helps, we argue over it and this is ruining our relationship. The pressure is too much for me, but i don't want to loose her. Any at all would be more than great. Thank you
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Answer:
by Patricia Fawver: (03/04/2008)
Hi! Thanks for writing in with your question. The first thing to do is STOP 'trying to MAKE her come'! The human sexual response cycle does not respond well to pressure, anxiety, trying, expectations, etc. Sex is supposed to be fun and pleasurable. You both need to learn how to relax and enjoy the journey and all of the sensations along the way, rather than just focusing on the end result. Being goal-oriented will usually just ruin and interfere with the natural experience.
Our bodies and our responses are very changeable. This is particularly true with females. We don't 'work' the same way each time. So, it doesn't work to try and figure out the female and once you've 'got it', that will be the thing that works every time. Each time is, and should be, different. You need to learn to relax and enjoy each moment of the experience.
So, my suggestion to you is that you have a talk with your girlfriend and show her this letter. Tell her you want for both of you to learn to relax and get rid of the expectations and 'trying to make her come' approach. Then suggest to her that you have some sensual/sexual experiences where you both just focus on following the flow of erotic energy rather than trying to lead it. Enjoy the pleasurable sensations of each moment and see what happens! She will likely be relieved to have both this discussion with you and also to experience approaching lovemaking from this non-demand perspective. Best of luck to you, Patricia Fawver, Ph.D. Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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