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Question:
I would like to know if i am being unreasonable in my thinking that there is a differance between making love and sex. I feel like my husband and I just have sex because I don't feel as though there is any emotional connection between us when we do have sex. I feel like making love is when there is kissing, hugging,caressing,some flirting outside the bedroom and then maybe some hugging and holding of each other after intercoarse. I feel like we just have sex because the only way I know he is in the mood for sex is when I hear him crack his knuckles in preperation for foreplay. Once in a while he will fondle my breast for a couple of minutes and then go straight for the crotch. He does try to make sure I have an orgasim each time but it is hard for me to get turned on and worked up when the first sign I have is the cracking of the knuckles and the since it does take me so long to get warmed up then he just watches TV while he waits for me to get done. Most of the time it takes me about 30-45 minutes to have an orgasim. Sometimes after we have intercoarse if he's feeling kinda giddy or whatever it is, he doesn't hug me he pokes me in the ribs and I don't feel very emtionally connected when he does this. i have tried to tell him how I feel but he says I watch to many soap operas ( I don't watch them) read to many magazines or I watch to much TV and I don't know what I want. I am depressed alot because I need and want him to make love to me and I don't feel very loved when he puts me off as having a problem with what he already gives me. So I guess what I am asking is, is there a differance between sex and love making or am I crazy? We have been married for 21 years.

Answer:
by Blaise Parker: (06/27/2004)
Hi,

While there are certainly plenty of people who do have the sort of sex life that your husband and you have, there are plenty of other people who have intimate, emotional, connected sex with their long term partners (and not just in the movies!). So, yes, I would say there is a difference (even if it is a semantic difference that we have created) between "having sex" and "making love."

In long term relationships, it's not uncommon for passion to fade. At the same time, though, intimacy and affection tend to get stronger over time. It seems like the lack of tenderness and trouble communicating may even indicate deeper problems in the relationship.

I would suggest that, if your husband is willing, you look into relationship counseling. Otherwise, you may want to check out individual counseling for yourself, because you have indicated that this may be one of the reasons for your depression. A good counselor can offer you steps to deal with this, either individually or with your husband. You do deserve intimacy and affection, and your requests are not unreasonable or overly romantic.

Good luck! Blaise

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