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Question:
I think my boyfriend is gay. I used to nag him constantly about being gay. He would get very angry and defensive. I feel as if all the signs are there...he's worked in gay bars before, and doesn't mind it, has a very gay sense of humor, and mainly, all of my friends think he is gay! I once dated a man for 2 years, and we broke up because he came out of the closet. One night, that same ex-boyfriend and my current hung out, and the ex hit on the current all night. Most men would be angry, but my current didn't care...he laughed and encouraged it. Help. I don't want to stick around if I know he is gay.
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: ()
Mmm. This is a really hard situation, and I'm not entirely sure what to tell you. There's no litmus test for knowing who is or isn't gay, so I can't tell you "Oh, if he holds his drink like this he's gay." For example, some men are very comfortable with their sexuality and find being flirted with flattering no matter who is doing it.
It's perhaps not surprising that he acts defensive about being called gay if it's become a big issue between you two. I do think you have a right to know, because it will be very painful to you if he comes out and wants to break up as a result of it. However, it seems like asking him about it is only going to start a fight, based on what you say.
It does seem a little unusual that you say sex seems like a chore to him. I don't know of a lot of men who feel that way, and that's the only true "red flag" (if you will) that I see in his behavior.
It sounds like there are two issues at stake here. First, you're not feeling attractive and sexy to him and that's a problem. Second, you're worrying about whether he'll hurt you like your ex did by coming out to you somewhere down the line. Both of those fears are manifesting themselves in your suspicion that he is gay.
Now, I don't know how you approach him about it, but perhaps instead of nagging him you could sit down for a quiet conversation. Set some ground rules in advance (such as only one person can talk at a time, voices can't get elevated, no one can storm out, whatever happens to be a problem with you guys when you fight). Additionally, there are some helpful techniques for communicating, such as paraphrasing and using I language. For instance, when you listen to what your boyfriend says, tell him, "I hear you saying..." and repeat what you think he just said. It sounds cheesy, but it really does prevent people from misinterpreting or miscommunicating. Using "I" language means that instead of accusing him ("YOU always do this! You always do that!") you should take responsibility for your own feelings. ("I feel like you aren't attracted to me anymore, and when you don't want to have sex it makes me feel insecure.") It really helps keep people off the defensive if they can learn to argue like that.
Then, I'd suggest that instead of harping on the gay issue, you talk about the root of your problems. For instance, have you told him that you feel unattractive to him? Perhaps you can both find some solutions by leveling in an honest way without becoming angry or hurtful to one another.
If this doesn't work and you still reach an impasse, I think you have a few options ahead of you. First, you can choose to try couples counseling. If you're both open to the idea, perhaps a trained therapist can help you work through the issue. Second, you can break up with him if you are really just unsatisfied with the outcome of the attempts to deal with the problem. Or, third, you can try to stay in the relationship and keep working at it between yourselves. Just remember the old expression, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." Repeating the same old patterns in the relationship probably won't change anything, so if you want things to work out, you'll probably have to find some new approaches. I hope that helps a little.
I wish you luck, and let me know how it goes!
BlaiseReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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