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Question:
I have been with my boyfriend for over two years now, and I am becoming very concerned with some of his sexual behaviors. He is 27 years old and has always had an extremely high sex drive. About six months ago I discovered that he had been viewing pornographic material on the internet and tv almost daily and confronted him about this. He promised he would stop doing it, but I have caught him watching porn several times since then-which he originally tried to deny. He also keeps several different kinds of adult magazines throughout his house. We have a normal sex life, but every time we do have sex, it is just that-sex. We very rarely make love. What really concerns me is how he like to take control of me when we are intimate, to the point of wrapping his hands around my neck and treating me mildly like a prostitute. If I go an extended period of time, say a week, without having sex with him, he begins to treat me differently. I am beginning to lose my sexual attraction to him because I feel like I am nothing more than an outlet. I never feel like it is me that he desires, but just the act of sex itself. He tells me that his sex drive is perfectly normal, and his use of porn is just a way of releasing some of it so he doesn't turn to other women. I know that my views on sex may be a little on the conservative side, but I feel that pornography is degrading to women and is disrespecting to the gift that I am trying to share with him.
Don't get me wrong, he is a very faithful boyfriend and truly is a good person in all other areas of his life, that is why this is so confusing for me. Is this something I should be concerned about?
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Answer:
by Megan Andelloux: (03/12/2005)
Porn can be a very persistant bitting problem in relationships's and each couple responds differently to it. Some people are comfy and love it, others can tolerate it as long as they don't see it and some people are flat out against it. All of these values are important for a couple to share and at the the very LEAST communicate to a point of respect is being met.
What I hear you stating to me is that your boyfriend is not respecting your needs, desires and/or boundaries. This is very concerning to me, especially with him placing his hands around your neck without your consent. This is dangerous behavior and can trigger some very strong negative reactions from you. You do not have to just "take it". You are not his "plaything". You are/should be an equal with whom he bounces ideas, thoughts, feelings and expresstions off of. If he wants to put his hands around your neck, he needs to discuss it. If you want it to happen, or don't want it to happen, you need to be very clear of these thoughts and feelings. Expecting him to know how you feel is the easy way out that gets you off the hook of having to express yourself.
Yes, men are visual creatures, they like looking, for the most part at naked women. However, in a healthy relationship, one listens and chooses to agree or not agree to their partners values (lying to you shows that he is not agreeing to your values). There is porn out there that is geared towards "women". No cum on face, story line's, penetration, directed by women, no anal, etc and it's hot. I recommend EyES of DESIRE by Candida Royalle. Lots of women like her for all the reasons you don't like "regular porn" . You could try watching this type of porn together, that way he gets his fix, but it's something you can both agree on.
However, the other big red flag that is coming up is his language that he uses porn "his use of porn is just a way of releasing some of it so he doesn't turn to other women." That my dear is a threat. If he is going to turn to other women, it will eventually happen. The fact that he is already lying ot you about using these things shows you that he is already on his way of learning and currently being deceitful towards you.
Some people love porn and it brings them much enjoyment to their relationship and just like you couldn't change someone who doesn't like it to fall in love with it, the same goes for them. Every varaiation is wonderful!
It does not sound to me as though you are a conservative, but rather someone who is struggling with what to do in her current sexual relationship. You can find a match out there who will not put their hands on your throat when you have not agreed to it or are expecitng it, who will have similar values as yours on sexuality and who will not lie to you about his sexual practices.
Keep in mind that he does not have abnormal sexual behavior/thoughts, they just aren't messing well with your behavior/thoughts and values and that my dear spells BIGGGGG TROUBLE.
Lastly, and I know this is going to suck to read, but he has told you that he's not going to stop viewing porn AND he has shown you threw his actions that he will view it behind your back. You put out the ultimatium, now you have to make your decision because he has already shown you his.
Good Luck-it's never nice to hear that you are not being treated with the respect you deserve, but you know what? At least you know what you want! You are starting from a good spot!
Cheers!~
Megan AndellouxReviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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