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Question:
I am very upset as I write to you about this topic.Please do not shut me out and please respond. It is VERY important to me.
I will explain this from the beginning. I am now 20 years of age. I never worried about sexuality issues. I was a kid, and I just thought all the other kids were so stupid for wanting to worry about such things. I grew up insecure. I was made fun of a few times, I was called a lesbian by a lot of people and it hurt me. I never had the guts to like anyone else, because I thought most people were stupid,
( because most people are).I liked the mystery of finding "Mr. Right". I always hoped that I just meet him and everything would go well and all would be good. I never felt like I could relate to anyone, ever.
Then I met someone and I felt something very strong for him. We dated, but then I started feeling scared, confused, afriad of being involved with anything sexual. For the first time, I questioned my sexual orientation. I am so afraid. I just want to know that I am okay. I never, ever felt like I was a lesbian or anything, but now I wonder. I mean, I never had any urges to go to bed with a woman or anything, but now I think about it a lot and I picture it in my head and I am scared, and I wonder if I am the only one who obsesses over this in a fearful way.Then, my bf said maybe you don't want a guy, ( because I was afraid).So now I am left worried, confused and upset, like I'm not like other people. I feel so empty inside. I can't decide what I am. Is it possible to consciously choose your orientation? Please,
Please help me! Thanks...
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: ()
Hi,
The first thing I think would be helpful would be for you to calm down and relax. I know you're in a frightening place right now but panicking about it won't make it any better. You're not alone in your fears about this, you're not the only one who feels this way. Relax, you are, indeed, normal. :)
Although I generally shy away from telling people what their sexual orientation is (because I believe that is a very personal decision that you must make yourself), I will tell you this: it is my suspicion that you are not a lesbian. Of course, I could be wrong, but that's my opinion based on the information you gave: You may be bisexual, but probably not a lesbian. I say this because you indicate that you've had a history of being interested in and attracted to men, and you say you felt a lot of emotion for the fellow you were dating. Generally, I think that's a pretty good sign that you have romantic feelings for men. Which most lesbians do not.
There's a big difference between being scared of/uncomfortable with sex and being a lesbian. In fact, I imagine (based on your comments) that if you think of how you'd feel to be sexual with a woman, you'd have the same sort of nervous reaction and fear.
It sounds to me like there are a couple of things going on. First off, it's pretty natural to be scared of sex when you're inexperienced. That's one of those things that sex ed doesn't teach our children, and I think they should. A whole range of emotions and reactions is absolutely normal when you're thinking about sex. A few things that can help (in my opinion) if you're just having a fear of sex in general:
1. Take it slow. You'll feel more certain about your decision if you don't rush into it and give yourself time.
2. Make sure you communicate. It sounds like you're already doing this. Let him know you're scared, and that it might take some time for you to cope with that. Communicating can improve your sex life, and hopefully he'll understand why you're feeling the way you do.
3. Make sure you've taken care of the safer sex aspect of things. If you're worrying about STDs and pregnancy it'll increase the fear you feel about the sexual encounter.
4. Understand that the fear won't go away immediately. Don't force yourself to do anything you aren't sure you want to do (that'll probably make things worse), but at the same time, know that experience is one of the things that will help make you less nervous. Think about public speaking. You're going to be scared for the first 5, 10, even 50 times you speak in public. But if you do it enough, that fear tends to go away once you realize it's not so bad.
Second, it sounds like there's some depression (and insecurity) acting in your life right now. The feelings of being empty, being scared, being unable to relate to others, are symptomatic of depression. And depression certainly affects how we think about sex. So it could be that other moods and emotions are getting in the way of your sexual functioning. (There are also a number of biological reasons for low sex drive, but it sounds like those aren't acting in this case. Still, it's something to keep in mind.)
Last, I would ask if you had any sexual experiences as a child or young adult that could be coloring your current fears of sexuality. It doesn't have to be sexual abuse or rape, either. It could just be child sexual experimentation that left you feeling guilty, etc. If that sounds like a possibility, you'll probably do well to talk to someone about it. (A good book I'd recommend would be "http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1573440795/qid=1002288712/sr=2-1/ref=sr_8_7_1/002-5959962-1506452" The Survivor's Guide to Sex).
So, the bottom line is, I suspect there's something else at work here and that you're probably not a lesbian. (Not that there would be anything wrong with it, in my opinion, if you were!)
That being said, if you're interested in the possibility of what it's like to have sex with a woman, you may or may not decide to call yourself bisexual at some point. Again, that's a personal decision that you'll have to think through and work out. :) I wish I could hand you the magic answer, but I can't!
You ask if it's possible to choose your sexual orientation. Most people argue that it is not (although it's certainly your choice as to what you decide to call yourself or how you decide to act). The best thing you can do for yourself is probably to seek out someone to talk to about it such as a therapist. If, for whatever reason, you DO choose to identify as lesbian or bisexual, it may help you to deal with it by seeing a therapist.
If you're on a college campus, look into their student counseling services. You don't have to live with these feelings of sadness and panic. There are a lot of things that can be done, so I encourage you to seek help! Talking to me was a great first step, and I know the next step is a little scarier, but you deserve to be happy!
Good luck,
BlaiseReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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