Answer:
by Cynthia Ruberg: ()
You use the term asexual to describe your husband, meaning he is not interested in sex. The term most sex therapists use is low sexual desire. It is not unusual (actually very common) for people to have a lot more sexual interest and be more sexually active in the beginning of
a relationship. I see many partners (of individuals who have low sexual desire) who feel duped and frustrated because their loved one is not as sexually interested as they appeared early in the relationship. I often tell people that novelty is an aphrodisiac because of emotional and biochemical reasons. However, when the novelty wears off and the relationship wears on, people tend to revert back to the level of sexual desire that is "normal" for them.
In your husband's case, "normal" seems to be at the low end of the sexual desire continuum, which goes from low to high. This would not
be a problem if he were not in a relationship with you.
So--what can you do to help make your desire levels more evenly balanced or more in sync? Here are some suggestions:
1) Talk to him about seeing his family doctor or a urologist first to make sure that his hormone levels are within the normal range for a man his age and that he is healthy in general.
2) Try to get him to open up to you verbally about how he thinks and feels about your relationship: What are his needs and sexual
expectations, what are his turn offs and turn ons, is he angry, fatigued, does he feel depressed, etc.
3) If he is very task oriented and has
difficulty putting things aside to allow himself to "make time for play," talk to him about scheduling time to be together for dating and
lovemaking. This is very important because busy people often putting love making on the back burner and than it hardly happens.
4) If you suspect that there are other issues, such as an affair as you mentioned, please see a marital and sex therapist. Also, talk to him about seeing a marital and sex therapist anyway because a professionally trained person can be very helpful in unraveling these issues and solving your "problem." You can find one by going to www.aasect.org or www.sexhelp.org.
Low desire is a very complex issue that can be caused by many things. I have just scratched the surface. I hope you can identify with some of the things I mentioned and get help soon.
Sincerely,
Cynthia Ruberg, LPCC, FAACS
Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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