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Question:
Hello,
I have been married for 33 years. For the past several years I have had problems keeping an erection with my wife. After our last child was born 24 years ago she began not being as interested in sex, making up lots of excuses to not join me, but complying when asked to. I slept on the couch sometimes and have found myself crying at night sometimes, depression followed. I have been to several doctors and have taken two different kind of meds for depression which has not solved the problem. I tried Viagra and it worked great but when I don't use it the problem remains the same.
Please forgive me, but I had an affair and need to mention it because I had very little problem with that partner...in fact I have never been as satisifed. However, I felt guilty and broke it off... told my wife and have tried to work it out with her. She has grown her short hair long again which she knows I really like but I just can't seem to get excited with her, I love her and feel depressed over the whole thing. What do you think the problem could be?
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Answer:
by Yvonne Fulbright: ()
You have more problems on your hands than what a simple email response from me can solve. It sounds like you've been on the right track in seeking therapy and depression medication, but that you need to find a psychiatrist who can administer a more appropriate drug, and who can better assist you with your marital, weight, and other issues.
If you find that you need to use Viagra to maintain an erection, don't be hard on yourself, and don't be afraid to take it. Many men have found renewed sex lives with Viagra, and use it without regret or shame. If you feel that your loss of erection is not due to physiological reasons, however, you should discuss your condition with a sex therapist, who can get at some of the relationship and psychological reasons for your condition.
You have a great deal of guilt in not being able to love and make love with your wife as you feel you should. You're also suffering for having wronged her with an affair. You need to learn to forgive yourself, and be fair to yourself in acknowledging what you want, and what can make you happy.
If you think that there's a chance that your marriage and love life can be saved, go with your wife to a marriage counselor. Seek out a sex therapist (www.aasect.org can refer you to one). If you don't feel that there's anything to salvage with your wife, you may want to consider making major changes, e.g., asking for a separation. Best of luck and take care.
Yvonne K. Fulbright, MS.Ed.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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