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Question:
My boyfrend and I have been together for the past two years and have had a very good relationship. But for the past year and a half I have found that he lacks interest in having sex. Now i have heard of women that have this problem but never men and quite frankly it has become increasingly dicouraging. I feel as though I always initiate any sort of activity and that I almost have to beg for it. We are both young, being in our early twenties. We used to be very active but it seems as though sex is the last thing on his mind these days. I understand that he may have a lot on his mind but even when we do have sex it seems as though it's all bout him. I love him very much and try to talk tohim about it but he doesnt want to talk and changes the subject as soon as he can. There are a lot of changes happening in his life right now, but this has been happening for longer than that. Sometimes he wont even touch me I feel for fear of turning me on. It has a major efect on me and therfore our realationship. I dont know what to do and I'm very confused as to what I should do. I have to say that I have considered cheating on him because of this issue but I love him too much to be able to do that, although everytime he says "no" it becomes more of an option for me.
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: ()
Thank you for contacting the Sexual Health Network with your concern. There can be a lot of different reasons for why your boyfriend is less interested in sex compared to when you met two years ago. And by the way, it is not unusual for the male partner to have less sexual desire. It usually takes a lot of detective work to find out what the underlying reasons may be.
Causes for low sexual interested can be either related to 1) the individual, or to 2) your couple relationship. Often, there are a number of factors involved.
You mentioned that there are many things going on in his life. Sometimes it does not take much external stress to take away sexual desire. Could it be that he is depressed? Does he take any medications? Some medicines reduce sexual desire. Has he had any negative sexual experiences in his past? Is he not ready for a commitment with you? Is he afraid of pregnancy? How is his body image? It is often easier to feel sexual when you are feeling good about your own body. How was his upbringing? What messages about sex and in particular sex before marriage did he grow up with? Do you think he is afraid of being close to you? Maybe he is trying to avoid feeling vulnerable and intimate with you? Maybe this is a way for him to control that particular part of your relationship. How do you get along otherwise? Could he be confused about his sexual orientation?
These are just a few questions to consider. Ideally, you would see a sex counselor or therapist who could help you to find the reasons for why your boyfriend seems to have lost interest in sex with you. Once those reasons are identified, a treatment tailored to your specific situation can begin. Since this is affecting your relationship, I would seriously consider seeking outside help. One very positive factor is that you love him. It will take hard work from both of you to try to resolve or at least to improve the situation. You should both think about how much your relationship means to you and how willing you are to try to improve it.
You can find a sex counselor or therapist through The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org, see the link on the right side. They have a list of sexual health experts including in Canada, where you live.
Please do not hesitate to ask me any further questions.
Best wishes,
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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