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Question:
I am a 42 year old female - and my fiance is the same age. We have been together over 2 years and plan on marrying in 6 months.
The problem is the lack of sexual relations/desire on his part.
My fiance shows sexual interest about once a week, only after we are in bed and very, very rarely in a spontaneous way.
Sex is pretty "routine" and there is no wish on his part to experiment with "other" locations (kitchen table, living room, etc.) We have had sex twice in our 2 years in the shower (it was great!) I have talked to him to the point that he says I bring this
issue up too much (I really do) and the only explanation he gives is he decided years ago that his "penis" would not control him.
I now feel unattractive, un-sexy, and always longing for close,
passionate sex with this man - and fear I will NEVER get it and that my marriage to him will be one of unfulfilling sex. How do I CHANGE and not expect him to change -- and be satisfied with the other good aspects of our relationship? I am desperate.
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Answer:
by Joy Davidson: ()
I am going to give you 3 versions of an answer : a therapeutic version, a “women’s magazine” version, and my own admittedly biased personal opinion. These aren’t inconsistent opinions -- they’re just slanted a little differently.
1) Dr.’s version: Your fiance is frightened of his own penis and his own eroticism. You may be equally frightened of yours. After all, you’ve spent two years with a partner who you believe inhibits your sexuality and with whom a negative sexual self-image is reinforced. My hunch is that you are looking to him for validation of the rapacious “she-beast” inside you, but since he cannot or will not give you permission to reveal yourself, it is far easier to blame him for your suppression of this animal than to take full responsibility for your own deeply felt reticence and anxiety. I’d like to suggest that you both read David Schnarch’s book, Passionate Marriage, to help you understand the meaning of self-determined sexuality. After you’ve read the book, consider taking one of his couples’ workshops. You both have serious work to do on your relationship and sexual psyches.
2) Magazine version: Stop whining about what he won’t do and take charge! When he’s in the shower, step in...you don’t need an engraved invitation. When he’s watching the hockey game, unzip his jeans and have yourself a snack. Spend an afternoon at Victoria’s Secret, come home, screw black light bulbs into your bedroom lamps and in your most seductive manner, invite him to join you. Get the picture? Create the scenarios that wet your appetite and draw him in. Prior discussion unnecessary. If he doesn’t want his penis to control him, fine. Subtly -- or not so subtly -- gain control of his equipment yourself.
3) My personal opinion: (Sigh) I don’t advise signing any contract on the dotted line until both parties to the contract reach genuine, win-win agreement on all the major points. Hell, I wouldn’t buy a used car without a better sense of resolution than you currently have entering into a document meant to stand “until death do you part”. I believe that basic sexual compatibility (notice, I didn’t say “perfection” ) should be a prerequisite for marriage -- especially at your age, when innocence and inexperience is no excuse for walking smack into a brick wall with your eyes wide open. Some therapists might disagree vehemently with me on this matter ...but you didn’t ask them, you asked me. Honey, you do NOT have to settle; you do not have to force yourself to become satisfied with “other” aspects of the relationship and live out your life in sexual poverty. Marriage is a choice, not a mandate. As "the Dr." said, in # 1, you both have a lot of work to do on yourselves and on the relationship. Getting married before this work is substantially (and successfully) underway is an utterly foolish, self-defeating idea. Reviewed by: Annette Owens M.D.,
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