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Question:
I have no problem attaining or maintaining an erection, but as soon as it comes to sex I lose it. Everything is fine until it comes to putting on a condom. What should I do?
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Answer:
by Julian Slowinski: (05/23/2004)
Many men report having no difficulty obtaining an erection either during masturbation or when becoming aroused when with a potential sexual partner. Males also experience erections nightly during stages of deep sleep, and will report waking up at night or in the morning with a full erection. These sleep or "nocturnal erections" are nature's way of providing the penis with a good supply of oxygenated blood which helps keep penile erectile tissue healthy. This is the usual pattern of erections in men who are not experiencing erection difficulties that might be caused by physical or medically related conditions, or by the side effects of certain types of medication.
However, some men who usually have a good erectile response do report a problem with maintaining their erection either just before or during attempts at intercourse. The loss of erection may even happen, as in the case of this questioner, while putting on a condom. The result can be frustration, embarrassment, relationship difficulties and the great enemy of erections... "anxiety" about obtaining an erection the next time sexual activity is attempted.
Anxiety can easily interfere with a man's sexual functioning, and one failure can lead to another as the anticipation of difficulty increases with each attempt at sex. Therapists call this type of worry "anticipatory anxiety," and it often leads to the common habit of "spectatoring," In other words, as a man becomes more anxious about sexual functioning, he can begin to actually and critically "watch himself" during sexual activity. He may even talk to himself using statements such as "I hope it stays hard this time." Or, "what is my partner going to think if I lose it now!"
Your problem might be resolved by recognizing and reducing the anxiety around sexual performance. Taking your time, with an understanding partner may be all you need to restore confidence. Another approach may be to allow your partner to help with putting on the condom, and making it part of the pleasure of foreplay. You may even want to "practice" putting on a condom either when alone, or with your partner, so the activity becomes familiar and not such an awkward interruption of sexual activity.
Other questions also need to be addressed that may be responsible for erectile difficulties. For example, many men may have sex under the wrong circumstances, at the wrong time, wrong place, and even with the wrong person! For example having had too much to drink, being too tired, feeling rushed, not having enough privacy, being angry with the partner, or just being with a new partner in unfamiliar surroundings, can be triggers for erectile failure. Use common sense. Were the circumstances right for sex? If not, what to do to make corrections may be obvious. A little luck and success are great aphrodisiacs!
For more information on overcoming erectile difficulties you may refer to the book: The Sexual Male: Problems & Solutions by R. Milsten & J. Slowinski: WW Norton, 1999.
To obtain the name of a certified sex therapist in your area, contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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