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Question:
I know what is said about penis size...but what about vagina size? Yeah, yeah, Kegel exercises, but after the birth of my fourth child, the stitches of the epsiotomy ripped loose. 10 months later, my husband died. I think my vagina is extremely ugly and have had problems with developing relationships due to this. When anyone gets interested, I find some excuse not to have sex with him, so I have developed no deep relationships. Help! I experience desires, but have kept them under control. The rest of my body is in good shape...I exercise regularly and keep fit, and am not beautiful, but have been called very attractive. I'm a very loving and caring person, and I'm missing having someone special in my life. How do i get the courage to take that first step? I'm afraid of being ridiculed, I suppose...called the "black hole" or something like that. Any suggestions you could make would be appreciated. And I havent taken this up with a doctor....yet.
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (05/26/2004)
I am glad you have contacted us with your concern. You surely have been through some mental as well as physical trauma: The death of your husband, giving birth to four children, and your episiotomy not healing correctly. I understand your concern about how your vagina looks. You seem like a wonderful person and I think that any man will be lucky to get you. The few men who would ridicule the way your vagina looks you probably do not want to be around anyway. But how to sort out those men in advance? I think it is important to let a relationship develop slowly so that you have a good chance to assess your partner's character before you get physical.
It sounds as if you are meeting men but that you avoid any deeper relationships because of your fear of sex with them. I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling in order to get over this fear. A sex therapist would be helpful and you can contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists at www.aasect.org to locate someone in your area. If there are no sex therapists available another type of counselor should also be able to help you gain more self-confidence.
I can recommend the book The Clitoral Truth by Rebecca Chalker to you (ISBN: 1-58322-038-0). It emphasizes how diverse female genitals look. Can you enjoy pleasure from your genitals through masturbation? If yes, great. This confirms the beauty of your genitals. If no, try to explore your genitals maybe with the help of the book. It is very possible that you will be able to discover some hidden beauty. It is not important how your vagina looks. What is important is that you and a future partner may be able to experience pleasure from it. And if you cannot get pleasure from your vagina and clitoris have him suck your nipples or caress other parts of your body. Ask or guide him do this under all circumstances if you enjoy this. People are more than just genitals when it comes to sex. Do not deprive yourself from this pleasure just because you think your vagina is ugly.
If you are afraid that your vagina will feel too large to your partner, there are several things you can do:
1) You already mentioned Kegel exercises. Another, even more effective way of tightening your muscles surrounding the vagina is to use a vaginal exerciser. The brand I am most familiar with is called GyneFlex and you can read more about this specific product and purchase it through the website www.GyneFlex.com. The GyneFlex is made out of plastic and comes in three resistances (light, regular, and firm). You apply lubricant and insert the relatively small device into your vagina and then contract you muscles surrounding the vagina, squeezing the device. Just like doing Kegel exercises but against a resistance, which will train and strengthen the muscles to a much greater extend. Two different resistance GyneFlex are in the $40 range (not including shipping and handling) and they come with a small bottle of lubricant and an excellent guidebook about female anatomy, detailed instructions about how to do the exercises, an exercise plan and helpful hints. Besides tightening post delivery vaginal stretching, vaginal exercises with such a device also may reduce age related vaginal weakening, help urinary incontinence and improve sexual response. Effects do not happen overnight and you should allow daily exercises for about three weeks before you may notice a difference.
2) Use manual or oral stimulation of your partner's penis to create a "tight fit."
3) There are lots of sex tools available. Check out Good Vibrations at www.goodvibes.com. They sell a battery operated sleeve vibrator, which is open at both ends and fits over the penis. It is designed to vibrate at the base of the penis. Used with lubrication this vibrator can be very pleasurable. You can even combine using this vibratore with intercourse.
4) If this is such a big problem for you, have you ever considered having your split episitomy surgically corrected?
All the best to you,
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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