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Question:
My husband and I have been married 28 years. I love my husband and enjoy and anticipate sex with him. However, I am very frustrated over his premature ejaculation. I want to be patient and supportive but sometimes the emotional and physical frustration that I experience after/during sexual intercourse is massive. This is not a new situation. In fact, on the night of our wedding and our first sexual intercourse, sex may have lasted all of 5 minutes including foreplay. Sex now lasts much longer, counting foreplay, and we have both done a lot of maturing. Still, he seems to have very little control over his ejaculation and once he climaxes even slightly he quickly loses erection and frequently loses interest. His erection is not very strong for very long almost no matter what we do. Sometimes I feel that his interest in me is low because of this problem. But, I don't really believe that is the case. He is attentative, loving, romantic and an all around wonderful person, friend, lover and husband. Please share some insight on what the problem(s) might be and what we can do to decrease frustrations and increase loving support and satisfying sex. I would really appreciate some help here. Being frequently left in a state of heightened arousal is wearing on my nerves and on our relationship.
I will add that I have always been more interested in sex more frequently than he is. He seems to do fine with once a week...maybe twice. It would prefer sex several times a week...even daily.
We have had discussions about this situation off and on for years. He has denied until recently that there is any problem. Lately, he has said a few things about losing his erection. Previous to now he has told me that he/we do not have a problem...but, that I do.
Help!
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Answer:
by Robert Birch: (05/28/2004)
There seem to be several issues here. The perception of rapid ejaculation, a decrease in the firmness of your husband's erections, a difference in the levels of your sexual desire, and your sense of sexual frustration.
The average male (I'll assume your husband is in his mid-40s) will probably ejaculate in between three and five minutes with fast steady thrusting, and much faster if it has been a while or if he is anxious (nervous). In this regard, they more your husband worries about it, the more likely it is that he might ejaculate rapidly. Remember, however, my saying that this is with rapid and steady thrusting. A slower pace and stopping and starting will help, but the main thing is that a man must learn to accurately assess his level of arousal so he know when to slow down, skip a beat or stop. Men often last longer if they lay on their back and remain perfectly still and perfectly relaxed. In the female superior position the woman usually slides, rather than moving up and down. and in so doing receives more stimulation of her clitoris. When she stays in close and moves in this fashion, the stimulation for the male is just at the base of his penis.
Men (and their partners) will begin to experience significant sexual changes in male performance sometime between the ages of forty-five and fifty-five. These changes include a slower response time in becoming erect, firmness that will wax and wane, unexpected loss of erections, a decrease in level of desire, and so on. Further discussion of the aging male can be found on this site.
As a man ages, he becomes increasingly vulnerable to "performance anxiety," prompted by a "fear of failure." However, not talking about sexual problems really does not help, as most men will worry silently anyway. The important thing about talking about sexual concerns is that the discussion become critical, blaming or judgmental. It's not just the male ego that is vulnerable... if anger is expressed in both directions, but male and female suffer a loss of sexual confidence.
With regard to your sexual frustration. I hope you realize that the majority of women do not orgasm during intercourse, no matter how long their partner can last. Women typically will do better in the female superior position, but there is no reason for you to go without orgasms. Your husband can bring you to orgasm manually or orally, you can bring yourself to orgasm manually or with a vibrator.
The difference in desired frequency reflects a difference in levels of sexual desire. This is the hardest thing to work with, as it would be as hard for your husband to catch up to you as it would be for you to slow yourself down to his level. He is probably not avoiding you on purpose... unless he if feeling too much pressure. Many people, men and women, find that they must fill in the gaps with masturbation and do so in the interest of keeping their sexual frustration from becoming a disruptive element in their marriage.
It would probably be helpful for you and your husband to consult a qualified sex therapist. Talking about these issues with a professional helps and there are many "homework assignments" that could prove helpful.Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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