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Question:
My significant other has had problems with a kidney disorder and it has made it hard for him to get an erection but he couldn't say and it turned out that he would say it was my fault-- i was not young enough i was to skinny to fat i couldn't cum because i was over 40.. it wasn't any of those things but we are not seeing each other sexually because of those things that he said instead of just telling me he was having problems. It is a big problem for me because i beleived that it was my fault and it was me and i have had a hard time moving on because i don't feel worthy. I take prozac because i have depression issues which i always have had however it has made it more difficult for me to be with anyone else because of the mental abuse that i allowed because of my own self image. i still care about him and miss him but i don't feel safe with him. i have a friend that is hiv/aides i feel safe with him but i don't want to have sex because it's not worth the risk but i also miss my old partner. i know its an issue of self image or self esteem but what else can i do.
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Answer:
by Georgan Gregg: (05/27/2004)
You have good insight about how your feelings of low self-esteem were made worse by your former sexual partner. Staying in a situation with verbal abuse was indeed emotionally traumatic, which would add to the depression you state is of long standing. It appears that you realize you aren’t ready to be in another intimate relationship. Until you know how to take care of yourself emotionally you are indeed vulnerable to becoming caught up in another unhealthy sexual situation.
The good news is that you know your limits & are ready to work on self-image. Prozac may be helping with your depression, if not, you need to be reevaluated for dosage or other medication. There are methods you can learn for healthy emotional self-care. You can read self-help books, attend groups that focus on developing healthy relationships, &/or work with a therapist who has experience with your specific issues. Begin by using at least one method & add others for faster progress.
Check out a bookstore or library in the self-help for women section. There are many approaches to choose from & you are the best judge of what seems most relevant to your experiences. Two examples of books you might find worthwhile are "Genderspeak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" by Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. or "Leaving the Enchanted Forest: the path from relationship addiction to intimacy" by Stephanie Covington & Liana Beckett.
Groups of people working on similar issues can be very supportive & add to your knowledge of what works for you. One group that focuses on healthy relationships is codependents anonymous (CoDA). Learn more & find a group near you at http://www.codependents.org/ .
Your doctor or a trusted friend may be able to recommend a therapist. Shop around for someone with whom you feel comfortable & who has worked with other women like you. It’s reasonable to talk first by phone or have a free initial meeting so that you can interview the counselor regarding therapeutic philosophy, cost or whatever concerns you may have. Depending on the therapist’s skill & your willingness to “work” on your self-image, you will see important personal changes.
You’re on a life path that will lead to a totally new you. Let us know if we can be of further assistance.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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