Register to join our community
|
|
Question:
Hi, I am a 30 year woman trying to figure out my sexual orientation. Growing up, I was a bit asexual in that I was more interested in being liked by people as opposed to building an intimate, real relationship with anyone. When I was 20 years old, I had a grand-mal seizure in which I experieneced a Near Death Experience. Needless to say, it was the most powerful experience of my life. There were many wonderful things that were revealed to me, however, one aspect has been hard to interpret in my life. During the "life review" stage of the Near Death Experience, I felt all sort of feelings that led me to say to myself "oh my gosh, I am gay".
Since then, I have struggled to accept that I am gay. I can make it make sense, or I can continue to live my life as I did before. However, I have dated women since, and most of my masturbating fantasies are of women. Now, I am dating a guy and I love him, but I continue to have the same fantasies.
I want to be honest in my life. If I am gay, the time has come to accept it. It is just hard to underestimate or ignore such a powerful Near Death Experience.
If my masturbating fantasies are always of women and I (as many women do) can emotional relate to women, does that make me gay? I love my boyfriend, but b/c I am like 60% attracted to women and 40% attracted to men, I wonder if I am not allowing myself or him to have a relationship at full capacity.
Please help.
|
Answer:
by Megan Andelloux: (11/27/2005)
Wow-what an important question to be pondering and having the guts to finally ask!
I'm a big believer in the notion that our sexuality is fluid. Meaning, what you like one day might be completely different the next day. Putting people in nice neat boxes is not for everyone. Some people know for sure, no if and's and butt's, of which sex they like/love/are attracted too. The majority of people however are not in that catagory.
Lots of people masturbate to the opposite sex of whom they are dating or being sexual with. That doesn't make them gay or even bisexual. Lots of people feel a closer emotional bond with someone of the same sex as themselves. That doesn't make them gay. What makes one gay is if you say you are. ANd I can't tell you if you are or aren't-that's for you to decide. What I can tell you is that it seems as though you are in love with this man. And for some people, the grass is always greener on the other side. Would you love a woman if he wasn't in the picture? Probably. Would you love another man if he wasn't in the picture? Probably. If you are happy with this guy, enjoy it. If you find yourself wishing he had breasts, or a vagina, or if you are uncomfortable being seen with him, then I would say start to take a hard look at this relationship and if it is healthy for you. Do you enjoy being sexual with him? I think that's a good indicator too.
Most people who are bisexual are not 50/50-they are actually more like you -60/40, 70/30. It is pretty rare to meet someone who is like-"Well, whomever walks through the door first". People who are bisexual also can and often are in monogomous relationships and they are still bisexual! Your sexual identity doesn't change to heterosexual just because you are dating someone of the opposite sex-it changes because that is how you think of yourself. You change it, not someone else's sex.
Be happy that you have found someone with whom you trust, enjoy, laugh with. And if that fades and you break off the relationship, enjoy the people and go for whom you're attracted to -emotionally and physically. You are not cheating yourself out of anything unless you are unhappy and you don't change the situation.
This near death experience sounds like it really has made you pause and think. But, if we think tooo much, we miss what is right before us, what is making us happy.
That's my advice and I'm sticking to it. Enjoy what is in front of you, if you are unhappy, change it. Get rid of the feeling that you need a label. You can be anything you want-a lesbian who is currently dating a man or a bisexual who is dating a man. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself.
Good luck and thanks for writing in!
Megan AndellouxReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
|
This question appears in the following topics:
|
|
|
|
