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Question:
I donīt know this is a problem I want to know if the fantasy that my boyfriend and I dream is normal.
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: (06/19/2004)
Hi,
You say you and your boyfriend have a sexual fantasy involving another woman. I assume you mean you would like to have a sexual encounter with this woman, and that he would be somehow involved?
As I have said here on sexualhealth.com before, it is hard to say what "normal" is. Therefore, I won't answer you in terms of "normal" but in terms of "healthy." There is no research to suggest that it is psychologically unhealthy or abnormal to have same sex attraction or to want to have a sexual encounter with two people at once. There is no reason to feel bad or guilty about it. If you do (for whatever reason--religious, cultural, etc.) I'd suggest finding a supportive counselor or some kind of support group to learn to feel better about it.
You also say you would like for this fantasy to become reality. If you find the right woman who consents to join you and your boyfriend in bed, I think this could be a wonderful and sexy experience for all of you.
However, do keep in mind that it is a tricky thing to negotiate a sexual encounter that involves three people. My suggestions (and they are only that, suggestions) are to keep the following things in mind:
1. Make sure you and your boyfriend are prepared for the reality of this experience. Will there be jealousy issues? Insecurity? Try to address these things beforehand so that you are prepared.
2. Try to set up ground rules in advance. For instance, if you are comfortable seeing them kiss but not comfortable seeing them have penis-in-vagina sex, make sure you let him know that. If you want this to be a one-time-only thing, make sure you let him (and her) know that, too.
3. Take the other woman's feelings into account, too. She is a person, not a sex toy. Remember to treat her with respect and kindness (assuming that's your scene!). Let her know in advance what you want and expect from the experience. For example, if you are only interested in having sex with her, but don't want to explore a relationship beyond that, let her know in advance so she is not hurt.
4. Use safer sex techniques. When you're bringing another person into your sex life, you are increasing your risk for sexually transmitted diseases. Safer sex techniques would include all of the following (and more). Use a dental dam for cunnilingus and analingus (using the tongue on another person's anus). Use a condom for penis-in-vagina sex, anal sex, and fellatio. Do not share sex toys between two people without either using a condom (to keep them clean) or properly cleaning them (follow the instructions that came with the toy).
Really, it boils down to communication, respect, and honesty. If you and your boyfriend and another woman think that you can handle that, have a wonderful time! :)
Good luck!
BlaiseReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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