First, please accept my apologies for the long delay in answering. You may have sought alternate remedies for this situation by now, but, in case you haven't, here are my thoughts on the matter.

Many women are hurt by their boyfriend/husband/partner's use of pornography. Your wife's feelings are quite natural and acceptable. Many men find pornography arousing and use it to aid in masturbation. So, your feelings and actions are quite natural, too. (I should add here that I do not like to stereotype in gender terms--many women enjoy the use of pornography, and some men find it threatening or hurtful, too.)

In other words, what we have here is a situation where both of you are in valid positions--I do not think one of you is "right" and the other one is "wrong." (To clarify, some people think that the use of pornography is akin to cheating in a relationship. I don't happen to be one of those people. I am not saying, of course, that I am "right" or "wrong" about this either. It is simply my own opinion, and the position from which I am speaking.)

Given the situation, it seems you have a few options. First, you can stop using pornography altogether, and make amends to your wife. Second, you can continue using pornography and lying about it. Never an advisable option, as things could get much worse in the future. (For the record, you mentioned that you weren't sure if you have a serious problem or not. I doubt I can diagnose such a thing over the Internet, but occasional use of pornography generally doesn't consitute a "serious problem." However, if you can't stop using it no matter what, you may want to speak to a psychologist.) Or, third, you can try to make your wife more comfortable with your pornography use.

The decision is up to you and your wife, and you both need to decide exactly what you are willing to compromise. Are you willing to give up porn altogether? Is she willing to allow you to use porn sometimes, or in some forms? Are either of you completely unwilling to budge from your positions?

I would talk to your wife to explore the root of the problem. Is she hurt more by the lying, or by the use of pornography, or by your inability to quit? If I had to guess, I would think that your wife is, in part, worried that you do not find her as attractive as you find the women in your pornography. So one key to helping your wife deal with this is to reassure her that you find her beautiful, sexy, and erotic. I have no idea what your sex life is generally like, but perhaps you could enhance it through the use of sexy lingere, or even through making time to have special days together, just you and her, fulfilling some fantasy or just reaffirming your love for one another. You may also try explaining that you enjoy thinking about her while you are using pornography, although don't be surprised if she is skeptical. In my experience, a lot of men say that. :)

Some couples find that one way to deal with the issue of pornography is to look at it together. Much like sex toys, pornography doesn't have to be an individual thing. You can use it to enhance your own fantasies of one another. Many women don't like porn because they don't feel it is friendly to women. It seems silly, outlandish, and sometimes outright offensive. However, there is a growing market for women-friendly pornography. Women like Nina Hartley and Candida Royalle are creating pornography that many women enjoy. Perhaps once she becomes comfortable with pornography, she will not mind you using it. And, of course, don't force the issue if she is not interested.

If you have tried all of the above or if you and your wife are simply unable to find any middle ground for compromise, you may want to seek some outside advice from a couples counselor--this is a common issue that many couples deal with, as I mentioned.

Good luck!

Blaise

Reviewed by: Scott Gross M. Ed.