Let me give you a few suggestions, and be sure to continue to take your time. It often takes a great deal of time to get those muscles to learn to relax.

The ring of muscles are called the PC muscles and in a female they go from the pubic bone area back to the coccyx which is the tail bone. Ironically that same set of muscles is what causes the tail of a dog to wag, but since we don't have tails it doesn't do that for us!

What your girlfriend needs to do is learn to relax those muscles a little bit, and this will take time. First, it is great that you have used lubricant and I will continue to urge you to use lubricant a lot. Always use a water-based lubricant such as Astroglide or KY Jelly and use plenty.

Before you try any more attempts at intercourse, just play around with you inserting your fingers. Increase the number of fingers so she gets used to fingers going in through the muscles. Only do this when she is really aroused from lots of clitoral stimulation.

In the meantime she needs to do some things on her own. When she is sitting on the toilet, urinating, ask her to try to close those muscles and cut of urine mid stream. If she can learn to do that, the muscles she is using to do that are those PC muscles. Then I will want her to do Kegel exercises which were invented by a man named Kegel who found that women who learned to squeeze and relax those muscles often benefited from mit. She needs to identify those muscles first, and practice squeezing and relaxing them 150 times a day. She can do it anytime; driving in a car, sitting at her work, or in school.

Then, if she can also learn to put a tampon in for her period, it will help her learn to relax them when she is touching them to put the tampon in. It often helps for her to learn to be touched at the opening and relax instead of tense up which is what is happening now probably.

All the time, there should be water-based lubricant being used, even on the tampon.

Over time, as she begins to get used to her own touch and opening of those muscles, your touch with your fingers, then you can slowly try the penis. It doesn't even have to be fully erect, and is better if it is a little soft. Also, don't even try to go all the way in for several times- the idea is for her to get used to relaxing the muscles. She may even want to take a muscle relaxant (over the counter types) just to help her.

WRite back in a few weeks if none of these things have helped and let me know how you are doing. I will hopefully be able to continue helping you.

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team