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Question:
I'm 31 years old, female and I'm married. I have a problem that is causing
me lots
of anguish. I have no desire for sex at all. My husband is very attractive.
I've been feeling
this way after about six months in our relationship.. and we have been
married for 6 years
. He's a wonderful husband and father
and I love him very much but I feel extremely guilty that I don't have a
libido.
so, I give in 2 to three times a week, because I wouldn't want him to feel
that I
don't love him. I always have an orgasm though. I'm okay after a while but
I always feel like curling up and wanting to
be left alone after. I wasn't always like this. I didn't have any problems
in my teen
years but I also felt dirty and a bad person because my family judged me a
lot.
I have a good relationship with my husband, of course we have our
differences but
in general we love and respect each other...I sometimes have a hard time
because
I'm a care free person and he is very set in his ways...the sugar has to be
on
the top shelf or he is in bad mood. I often wonder if I'm normal and I feel
very abnormal.
I don't want to lose my husband. Of course he isn't perfect nor I but we're
happy together
and we care a lot about each other. I've talked to him about this and he
doesn'nt mind although
he wants sex all the time and I feel lots of pressure. He says he accepts
it and
he's okay with it. But I just wish I knew if feeling this way is normal. I
rarely want to
be touched at night because I know it might lead to something. I often cry
when he's asleep
because I hate this feeling. I have nothing against sex at all. I just
wish I would
want it more like every body else.....What should I do ? I Can't find
anyone in
my area to talk to. There are no sex therapists here...I live in a small
town.
Thank for taking the time...
Feeling lonely, abnormal and guilty
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (05/31/2004)
First of all, I am happy that you asked us at Sexualhealth.com. It is always a pleasure knowing that we are reaching people who do not have direct access to information about sexual health. I am a sex therapist and I see many individuals with low sexual desire. Even though you feel abnormal, you sound very normal to me. It sounds as if you are a parent, and having children sometimes makes it hard to find time and energy for sex. A very positive factor in your marriage seems to be that you two love and respect each other. But it appears as if you have very different levels for sexual desire.
In order to give you an idea about how frequently people in the USA have sex I will cite a few numbers from a recent study, "The Social Organization of Sexuality. Sexual Practices in the United States" (1994) by Lauman, E.O. et al.; University of Chicago Press. A more popular version of this book is called "Sex in America. A Definitive Study" (1994) by Michael, R.T. et al.; Warner Books:
The study involved 3,432 men and women from all social, educational, cultural, and religious backgrounds, and living all over the USA. Since participants in the study were chosen randomly by a computer program, the study population is highly representative of the entire nation. Following are the numbers of how often 30-39 year old Americans have sex:
4 or more times per week: men 6%, women 6%;
2 or 3 times a week: men 33%, women 33%;
a few times per month: men 37%, women 36%;
a few times per year: men 15%, women 16%;
not at all: men 8%, women 9%.
As you can see only about one third of Americans in your age group have sex 2 or 3 times per week. It is completely normal to desire sex less often than that. And it is also completely normal to desire sex more often. Try not to feel guilty about having a lower libido than your husband. He is no more right than you are. You and your husband are on different ends of a wide scale, and you need to work on agreeing to meet somewhere in between.
I suggest talking to him openly about this issue. Show him our conversation and use it as a starting point for discussion. There is a good chance that you will enjoy intercourse more and have a stronger desire for sex if it happens less often. It is not the quantity of sex that counts, but the quality of your sexual relationship.
It would be a good thing for your husband to masturbate whenever he feels that he needs to relieve sexual tension. It is perfectly normal to masturbate on days where he wants sex and you do not. Many men and women in steady relationships masturbate regularly. Only if you masturbate excessively and this activity influences other activities in negative ways it may turn into a problem.
You said that you do not want to be touched at night, because you are afraid of it leading to more. If you two came to my office I would probably ask you to go home and NOT have intercourse for a while. Instead, I would try to help you to reconnect, without "going all the way." Make an agreement that you are not going to have intercourse on some nights, but you can still be affectionate, cuddle and kiss. Sex is so much more than having intercourse, it is also about intimacy and feeling emotionally connected to your partner.
Good luck with everything!
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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