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Question:
Hello.
I know this is a very cliche question but I think my concern is a bit different. Well, I am 16 and for the past few years I have been having a hard time figuring out my orientation. In eighth grade I had a girl crush, but before that all was well. (Except the fact that I didn't think about boys or any of those things that little girls think about, until 6th or 7th grade) Which makes me wonder if it really is a choice.
In 9th grade I had a few more girl crushes and it was evened out between the two and I decided I was bisexual. Then in 10th/11th grade I decided it would be a lot more interesting to go all the way. And that's where the problems start.
I've been trying to ask myself over and over, when I see a girl I will think "hm she looks nice" then I think "well what about that guy over there?" and I think "hm he looks nice too but I wouldn't want to get in his pants." And that makes me think: What evidence do I have that I would want to get in the girl's pants? (excuse my crude terms). I have never had a girl friend or a boyfriend, only my own thoughts...
The thing is, I keep thinking, Am I just thinking this way because being straight is so dreadfully boring that I'd hate myself like some people are scared of being gay? It's the other way around for me. I don't have much of a sexual attraction towards men; except once in a while when I am surprised by it, but I don't like it. It's not even a sexual thought so much as a thought covered in fetishlike pretenses. When I think about girls I am happy but I don't feel a sexual desire toward either sex. I think I would be happier with a girl but I would also be constantly questioning, like "what if she was a boy? Would I like this more or that more?" etc.
If sexual orientation is based on SEXUAL attraction, I might as well be asexual. I like girls a lot but I kind of have to make myself get turned on, and even that has been going on only recently! I don't know what to do. :(
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Answer:
by Kelly Ace: (04/30/2007)
Clearly, you’ve been trying to make sense out of a lot of conflicting thoughts, feelings, and experiences. You mentioned that you are having difficulty “figuring out” your orientation and that you don’t find it helpful to hear people tell you to “go with what you think is right.” As you probably know already, I can’t give you definite answers to many of your questions. But, I do have a few thoughts that might point you in the direction of clarifying things for yourself.
The first thing I’m struck by is that your focus seems to be on deciding who you’re “supposed” to be attracted to and why – rather than on actual people you enjoy interacting with. Slapping a label on yourself is not really going to give you an instant set of rules about what you should and shouldn’t do, like, or feel. You’ll still be stuck with deciding whether a particular guy or gal is someone who can be trusted, makes you feel valued, treats you with respect, accepts you for who you are, shares at least some interest and values, is fun to be with, etc. These are the kinds of things that make the difference between an empty, mechanical sexual act and one that leads to both emotional and physical pleasure.
You mentioned that you are concerned about the fact that you don’t feel much sexual desire for males or females, although you have been attracted to both at various times. Again, this is not necessarily unusual. Research by Dr. Rosemary Bassoon has shown that many women tend not to experience much sexual desire (i.e., interest in sex) until after they have become physically sexually aroused. This has made a lot of sense to women (and men) who felt the older sexual response models (by Masters & Johnson and Kaplan) didn’t really describe their experience. It might help describe your experience, too.
The fact that you haven’t yet been in a dating relationship also is not particularly unusual for someone who’s 16 or 17. Sometimes, that's simply because you’ve been focused more on other things (e.g., school, family stuff, figuring out “who you are”) or haven’t been in the right setting with a person that you really “click” with. You may also be sending out mixed signals about your interest or availability – this easily happens when you have mixed feelings.
I’m wondering about your comment that being straight is “dreadfully boring.” Where’s that coming from? Are you (or people that you want to be accepted by) thinking that identifying as gay or bi is good way to rebel? To make some sort of statement? To prove that you really are cooler than the “poor, boring heteros”? To create a meltdown at home? Sometimes, it’s really tempting to use sexuality that way. The downside is that it tends to objectify you – and any partner – in the process. Is that consistent with your values?
Finally, you mentioned that you are “surprised” and unhappy when you occasionally feel sexual desire when you see a male. While I’m not sure what you mean by “a fetishlike pretense,” I do get the sense that it’s not something you are comfortable with. Might your reaction have anything to do with negative male-female relationships you’ve witnessed?
You are struggling with many questions. But, you don’t have to struggle alone. A bi-friendly counselor or therapist can help you sort through your feelings about sexuality and relationships. Hopefully, you can enlist your family’s help. If not, talk with a teacher, school counselor, or other trusted adult. You may also be able to find resources in the phone book or online through organizations such as www.youthresource.com .
Best wishes,
Kelly Ace
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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