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Question:
I'm divorced,42 yrs. old with 2 kids. During my marriage I had great sex with my husband, with whom I shared several dreams and fantasies about being with another woman. He was always supporting and even encouraged me to try and experience by myself . I had a date with a mutual friend who was a lesbian , but it was frustrated because that same night her brother was killed. During our marriage it was quite frequent that our sex was enhanced by his telling me stories about bisexual or lesbian couples, or watching movies where there were scenes of lesbian lovemaking or looking at pictures depicting oral sex between women, all of which always got me very excited. While married I once had this mutual friend in my bed lying down with a headache, while my husband wasn't home, and we started caressing and kissing and she took my underwear off, and started having oral sex with me, but I got scared,(though I was enjoying it ) and we stopped. I didn't tell my husband right away, but he knew about it anyhow. He was very supportive and we even got to bed for a threesome shortly afterward, but even though I brought the other woman to several orgasms by rubbing my clitoris over hers,she did not allow my husband to join in , and so it ended.During my marriage I was befriended by a woman who was a lawyer, like me, who was a "butch". She was very kind to me during my illness, very caring, but my husband had his qualms over our friendship,and after our divorce I stopped this relationship with my lesbian friend because I realized that she was in love with me. I've recently had a female doctor-friend , married, with a 20 yr. old daugther, confess to me after one year of friendship, that she would leave everything for me! I was taken by surprise (even though my ex-husband had warned me about this). I haven't had any sex with these two "friends". Why do I atract this type of women? Am I gay? Bisexual? Should I give myself the chance to try having sex with another woman? Would it be ok to ask my ex to join me in this, since I would feel more comfortable with it?
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Answer:
by Blaise Parker: (06/25/2004)
Hi,
Sounds like you've got a lot on your mind about all of this! Let me try to address the facts one at a time:
First, it seems very clear by your own admission that you are sexually attracted to and aroused by women. You don't state whether you are equally attracted to and aroused by men, but I will assume that if you were married, you probably have at least some attraction to men.
Second, you seem to be very apprehensive and uncomfortable about this attraction. You mention a number of times how being with women interests you and frightens you at the same time. One thing you might want to ask yourself is, why are you frightened by this? Are you afraid of the possibility of being lesbian or bisexual? If so, that's a perfectly natural reaction. We are generally raised to be heterosexual and it is difficult to deal with and acknowledge same-sex attraction. It also means posing some big questions to yourself: What will it mean for my life if I am a bisexual or lesbian woman? That's something that is individual (for some people, it means a lot, for others, it's not that important at all).
It also sounds like you're a little uncomfortable with the intensity of emotion some of these women have displayed. That, too, is a natural reaction, especially when you do not reciprocate the emotion. You would probably be just as mystified or uncomfortable if men were confessing their love to you, too!
You ask "Why do I attract women like this?" That's a hard question to answer, but it's not necessarily because you are lesbian or bisexual yourself. I know a woman who has men falling all over her all the time. She's attractive enough, but not gorgeous, and I've wondered the same thing about her secret. I expect it's the degree of self confidence she carries with her, as well as her obvious intelligence, independence, and sense of humor. It may be some quality that you have that makes you particularly attractive to people in general, or women in particular!
Last come the big questions: Am I gay? Bisexual? As I've said here a number of times, I think that's a question that only you can answer. You've told me that you're sexually attracted to women, and that women seem to be romantically attracted to you, but you've left out some key pieces. How do you feel about these women? Is it sexual or romantic or both? Would you want to be in a relationship with one of them? How do you feel about men? Are they as attractive to you as women, sexually and emotionally? Thinking about some of these questions might give you some insight into your own sexual identity.
Last, you ask whether you should try having sex with another woman, and whether it would be ok to ask your ex to join in. If you want my permission, certainly, you may have sex with another woman if you want to! Blaise says so. :) But if you want to know what the right thing for you is, you'll need to decide that for yourself. Based on your previous experiences, I imagine that you would enjoy it, but it may or may not help clarify the situation. As for your ex, if you are on good terms with him and he is amicable to it, I don't see why you couldn't ask him to join in (assuming that the other woman is open to the possibility as well). There are also a number of couples looking for a woman to join them if you search your local personals ads. That's another possibility if you'd just rather have a man, any man, involved! (Although do be careful meeting strangers from personal ads... I'd recommend getting to know them and meeting in public places at first!)
I hope this helps you figure some things out for yourself, and good lick... I mean, good luck! :)
BlaiseReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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