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Question:
I am 17 and I don't know if you can help, but for some reason I don't seem to enjoy sex. I have had some problems in the past (the guy I lost my virginity too was abusive and our relationship ended in a physical fight) this seems to really trouble my boyfriend. I do enjoy the intimacy of sex but it takes a lot to get me aroused and I never have orgasmed. what do you think is wrong? How can I get help? Thnk You.
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Answer:
by Konstance McCaffree: (05/31/2004)
I think you have some good reasons for why you may not enjoy sex as much as your boyfriend might want. I sense from what you've said that there is some pressure from him to have you involved in it more, and that pressure may also inhibit your desire for sex. In order to really relax enough to let your body enjoy its sensualness (and possibly have an orgasm though that isn't a necessity) you need to be accepted for who you are and how YOU feel.
Your history of an abusive relationship can certainly make sex less appealing. It is probably even more so less appealing because you are feeling the pressure to perform even for him in a loving relationship.
The drugs you have taken for depression can diminish sex desire severely, and if you continue to take them it is very likely that they have a significant affect on your response.
There also may be less wrong with you than you think. First, many women enjoy the intimacy of sex but find it takes a long time to arouse (in contrast to the male who arouses very quickly). Males get frustrated at the slowness of females and often push females to go faster than their bodies really work. You also may need stimulation in different ways. For males, direct stimulation of the genitals often creates a quick response and they are then ready to put the penis into the vagina. For females, the vagina is not the place which creates the most stimulation especially to orgasm. If you read some of the books written on this subject by women you will notice that many have orgasms from other forms of stimulation (possibly of the clitoris or from varying positions and touching) that do not involve putting the penis in the vagina. You may want to learn to stimulate yourself in private (masturbation) to determine what feels good for you. It is one of the first things one asks of a woman who is having difficulty in having sexual desire to orgams in a partnered relationship. Can you bring yourself to high pleasure (not necessarily to orgasm which males feel the need to have?)
If you would like to write back and ask me more, please feel free to. What I hope you do, is spend more time in enjoying lots of intimate play, communication and touch that you enjoy and not feel pressured to have something that is only what your partner enjoys. Maybe you can switch off on the various types of sex play so that you both enjoy your sexual touching. You also didn't mention if you were well protected from pregnancy and disease. Sometimes these underlying worries (like your worry of not enjoying the kind of sex that you're feeling the pressure to have) can inhibit desire as well. Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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