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Question:
I have never been sexually abused, or if I have, I have no awareness of it. From very early on in my life I have found severe abusive sexual scenarios attractive. Were I a man I would struggle with the desire to be a serial rapist and torturer. The victims in the fantasies are usually women but they may be children also.
The aim of the fantasies is to humiliate and degrade the victim as much as possible. As time goes by the fantasies have gotten more severe. The less horrible ones get too familiar eventually and I seek out more foul and horrid scenarios to imagine. I do not like this but cannot masturbate to finish any other way. I also find that after about a year in a relationship my interest in sex wanes until in about 18-24mos I am completely frigid. In those few occasions when I've found a man who is able to act out bondage and related scenarios it revives said sleeping libido. However I am a strong personality and do not attract dominant men. The subordinate men who are attracted to me are never comfortable with these things and I am not able to really express this aspect of my sexuality with them.
I am not happy about it and would like to know how to dissect, analyze and eventually fight this impulse in myself. I do think it's tied in with my feelings of loathing towards my lying and shallow mother and older sister.
It seems that there'd be more to it than that. I also do not know how one resolves such an issue.
As to sexual orientation I am also still quite uncertain. Maybe I'm just bisexual. I have had sexual relations with males primarily although I have experimented briefly with lesbians and found the physical activity unsatisfying. On the other hand, it is women who visually interest me.
The mental health system in my area is dismal at best. The therapists seem to wallow in nicey-nice chit-chat or power tripping, the psychiatrists are pill happy and I really think that NOBODY could handle a woman coming in saying she thinks she is a male rapist transvestite in a woman's body. (My thinking patterns are more atypically male yet I love feminine wear.)
Another reason I hesitate to find a therapist is that I cannot see trusting anyone with this information about me. I have told a lover or two over the years but they never really grasped the depth of what I was expressing. To say that I want to rape women is like saying dogs don't mind the taste of pizza. It is much worse, much more foul. I have in fact found a wealth of "encouraging" material on the internet and nothing yet has been too depraved to send me sneaking off under my blankets for a brief bit of 'daydreaming'. I have seen the depth of depravity and found strong desire in it. I do not see myself being able to adequately express this in a nice room with lamps and a loveseat and a friendly lady or man smiling and nodding politely.
The only thing that separates me from Ted Bundy is that he had the arrogance to think that his desire was more important than anything else. I would sooner rip out my womb than ever put anyone through what I fantasize. Still, I can't help but worry that somewhere some woman has been or will be assaulted and tortured either for my eventual pleasure (pics on the web) or because of it (magic resonance/wish magic, etc.)
Also I have Asperger's Disorder and ADD. Sorry about the length, it's not easy to put in a small essay.
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Answer:
by Melissa BEE: (06/09/2004)
I understand what you are saying. The message that I'm getting from you is that you feel your fantasies are taking over your life. You feel they are wrong, and want to do something about stopping the impulses.
For many people fantasies are healthy expressions of sexuality. But if your fantasies are taking over your life and making you unhappy - then that is a problem.
It is quite common for people who fanasise about bondage, discipline, violent, tortuous and power-play situations, to have been abused in the past. At the time (as a child) it gave them guilt and shame, but in adult life, it can give an enormous sexual thrill, a big adrenaline rush that can be addictive.
But not all people who get pleasure from BDSM have been abused. Psychiatrists are uncertain whether there IS any link, to past abuse, or what the real cause of this so-called deviant behaviour. Like trying to understand the reasons why a person is gay, lesbian or bisexual, it may not have anything to do with conscious choice. I tend to lean more towards the theory of body and brain chemistry. If you see a woman and she arouses you subconsciously, chemically - then that is not simply a matter of choosing or not choosing to like women. It goes much deeper than that. Whether your fantasies and behaviour is enough of a problem, or causes you unnecessary anxiety cannot be resolved in a forum such as this.
If you want to dissect all the details about sexual fetish and fantasy - you need to be counselled by someone versed in this topic. In other words you need a proper sex therapist or sexologist. This will be far more appropriate than talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist, who will want to look more at the mental illness perspective, when you may only be confused and not 'sick'
Enclosed is a link to AASECT American Association of Sex Educators,Counselors and Therapists Online.
also SIECCAN: Sex Information and Education Council of Canada.
And the International, US & Canadian Planned Parenthood.
also has lots of useful links.
If you need any more assistance, please feel free to ask any further questions.
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Melissa BEEReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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