Answer:
by Kelly Ace: (04/20/2007)
It sounds like you are frustrated with both your body and your feelings. That’s very common when someone is having difficulty experiencing orgasm.
The fact that you shake and push your boyfriend away when you are trying to be sexual together suggests that you may be afraid of being hurt again –physically and/or emotionally. This, too, is common after experiencing sexual assault – even when with a loving, respectful partner. Survivors sometimes find that simply being in a sexual situation (including masturbating) triggers bad memories and upsetting feelings related to the assault. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to experience sexual pleasure when you are feeling, scared, angry, sad, or confused.
I recommend reading The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz. This book not only discusses how sexual abuse can affect sexuality, but also how to deal with sexual problems that many survivors experience.
For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach may also be very helpful, since it describes how women can become more comfortable with their bodies and learn what types of touch can enhance sexual pleasure and help them reach orgasm.
Both books may also help you see that you really aren’t “abnormal.” Many survivors struggle with feeling like they are somehow “different” or that something is very wrong with their bodies or themselves. Often, this thinking stems from the messages they received from the person who assaulted them or from people (e.g., parents, peers) who don’t really understand sexual assault, so end up blaming the survivor instead of the perpetrator.
You may find it helpful to talk with a professional counselor or therapist who has experience addressing sexual concerns and sexual trauma. (The search tool at www.aasect.org can give you a list of certified sex therapists and counselors in your state. A local family planning clinic, rape crisis center, family doctor, or mental health center can also help you find someone with the right qualifications.)
Counseling can help you learn to feel better about yourself and your body. It can also help you learn practical ways to deal with your feelings when in sexual situations. Finally, it can help you figure out how to effectively communicate with your boyfriend – which is important since he’s felt hurt and/or confused by your reactions in the past.
Remember, it IS possible to have pleasurable, exciting, and orgasmic sexual experiences after sexual assault. Learning more about your body and your feelings will help you feel more in control of the situation. Treating yourself with love, patience, and respect will help you heal.
Best wishes as you continue on your journey!
Kelly Ace
Editor's note: All of the above are great thoughts and suggestions for you to try. An additional thought you might consider: the leg shaking you are experiencing might indicate you are closer to having an orgasm than you think. Muscle tension in the legs, buttocks,and pelvic area,(myotonia), is one aspect of the sexual response cycle. This tension in the muscles is a normal part of the body getting aroused. Many women find that their muscles get tired and give out before they are ready to climax. You have to learn to pace yourself and not use up all of your muscle strength in the beginning of a sexual experience so that you will have some strength left for when you get close to orgasm. You can also do some exercises to strengthen those areas of your body. This will make orgasm easier. Practice squeezing and releasing all of those muscles when you are stimulating yourself or your boyfriend is stimulating you. Many women require that kind of muscle tension/release in order to get over the edge to orgasm. This is 'good' homework - have fun practicing. Patricia Fawver, Ph.D., editor
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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