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Question:
I have a 5 year old daughter who has been masterbating since she was 2 or 3 years old.
I have tried to be understanding and have explained that this is something done in private.
I have recently found her playing in her room with some other girls. She was on the bed masterbating
while the other girls were watching (maybe even doing it themselves, I was not paying attention to them).
They were all fully clothed. This was the first time I've seen her doing this although she has admitted to me
that they play doctor often.
I have talked with my daughter often about not doing this with her friends, but apparently she is not listening.
I think it is most often her idea to "play doctor" and her friends would rather be doing something else.
I guess my question is, do I have a problem? Could it be that my child has been molested? Or is this perfectly
normal, and something all parents deal with? I was a very sexually active child early. Masterbating by the time I was
3 or 4. Is this heriditary? My husband and I do not agree on how to handle the situation. He says to tell her to not
masterbate at all, but listening to the experts, I understand to just teach them there is a right place and wrong place
for this type of behavior.
Please help me. There is not a lot of information out there about this type of stuff, and I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt
my childs psyche if I don't do the right thing.
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Answer:
by Larry Siegel: ()
Thanks for writing in and I certainly appreciate your concerns. Unfortunately, we don't live in a country where we are taught about being the sexual creatures we are, especially when it has to do with children. The truth is, there are numerous behavior that are considered normal sexual expressions in children. The biggest mistake people make, however, is interpreting these behaviors through adult eyes; with all the baggage and experience that biases that view.
While your daughter is being sexual, she is not "sexual" in an adult sense. It is perfectly normal for young children to stimulate their genitals from a very young age (in fact, sexual response begins in utero - before we're even born). At about age 5, it is developmentally normal for them to be sharing their "discoveries" with friends.
You are correct in trying to teach her that this is something that is done in private and not in public. Not to take sides between you and your husband, but telling her not to pleasure herself will likely have 2 results: 1) she won't stop and the behavior will be driven underground, and 2) she will learn to feel ashamed of her body and her sexuality. The combination of the 2 can easily result in acting-out behavior during adolescence that can get her in trouble (eg, pregnancy, STIs, multiple partners).
Not making a big deal about it is important, but that doesn't mean you allow it to continue. If you give her permission to do it, perhaps you can escort her to her bedroom or bathroom and close the door, further emphasizing the private nature of this behavior. You also indicate that her friends seem to prefer doing something else. You can also casually communicate to her friends that they don't have to stay or participate and perhaps should do something else if sex play comes up.
If she continues to touch herself in spite of repeated interventions, it doesn't necessarily signal possible molestation or abuse. Children have a very limited repertoire of coping mechanisms and nothing is more grounding than pleasure. Perhaps there is something that is causing her to feel anxiety or stress. Genital stimulation is a common reaction or method of coping. Try talking to her about what she's feeling; both in general and about her pleasuring.
The most important thing, though, is not to overreact or react harshly. This can do more harm to her non-physical sexual development than anything else. And remember that in all likelihood, she will grow out of playing "doctor" and public masturbation.
I wish you much luck in getting through this, especially in reconciling approaches with your husband. I hope this was of some help to you. Please feel free to write in again if you'd like more information.
Take care and be well.
Larry SiegelReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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