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Question:
I can't orgasm. I feel good, but i never get to the point of orgasm. What are some things i can do? i've tried relaxing and i enjoy it, i know i dont have to have an orgasm every time but once in a while would be nice. my partner and i communicate but nothing seems to work. help!
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Answer:
by Konstance McCaffree: (05/25/2004)
I"m sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you on this question. I was going to pass it along to one of the other experts who work with orgasm more than I do, but then I decided after thinking about it more that I would answer you AND then urge you to write again asking different experts on the list for their advice as well.
I'm really glad that you are very knowledgeable about what needs to happen when it comes to orgasm. Many women don't orgasm often at all. Enjoying the sexual experience of turning on is important as well. Too many focus on orgasm and then are either disappointed OR don't enjoy the sexual response that they do get. Men are often in this latter category as well. The focus is all on genital orgasm, it is quick for them, and then it is over. Couples then often want help for this. You seem to be able to relax and enjoy.
Now for things that may help (and I urge you again to ask others on the list because therapists have different ideas on this. You didn't mention if you masturbate. One of the behaviors that seems to help women the most is to see if they can pleasure themselves to orgasm. If you can, then you can help your partner create the same response. Sometimes it is about positioning. Finding a position that creates the muscle tension necessary to push the sexual response along is important. Some women prefer to be on top where they can really control that position. Sometimes it is about the touching. Often women don't orgasm with the penis or something else inside the vagina. The sexual arousal needs to be around the clitoris on the outside for them. You may need to have your partner and your movements focus on where the arousal seems to be the greatest.
I hope trying some of these things will help, and please do ask other experts as well. There are some books out there that you can order on line or through book stores if you would like. There are so many and each has valuable information so I'm not recommending just one but women authors such as Lonnie Barbach (her books are older but fundamental) and Betty Dodson may be helpful.Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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