I believe the other girl broke the bond of trust that they had for so many years. My wife knew after the "event" that the "walk-in" by the brother was staged. To what degree can something like that (broken trust/incest awareness) affect a person's development? I ask because I now feel that this may be why my wife is uncomfortable with me at certain times. eg. she is lying on her stomach. i am combing her hair and stroking her back. She really freaks if I approach her lower back. She says she feels "vulnerable" and doesn't "trust anyone touching that area". I have never ever done anything to hurt her or put her in a situation that she was uncomfortable with.

We dated for two years before she told me that she wanted to have intercourse. I never pushed the issue as she is a special lady and I like to think that I am an ok guy. At a certain point in our relationship I knew we could have a shot at a long term relationship. Well here we are 15 years later. Is the hurt she felt back then still there to some degree?? She is very reserved sexually. I always thought it was my fault. Maybe it is. That is why I ask. What can I do? Apologies for the long winded tale. Thank you. Any comments and advice would be greatly appreciated.

I appreciate you taking the time to give me some background, as it helps in giving you an answer. Though the situation your wife experienced as a teenager, may have a small effect on her trust levels now, I tend to believe that there is far more to our sex negative attitudes than one experience.

Women in our culture, living almost anywhere, get messages about trust from a very young age. Men are not to be trusted is the common refrain from many adults to teen girls to help keep them out of trouble. My own mother used to tell me that "men only wanted one thing". When you get constant messagry, subtle that it is, it is sometimes hard to really relax.

There are other factors that you may need to consider. Each person, male or female, has parts of their bodies that feel good being touched. There are other parts a person may not. The reason for it isn't the important part. It is up to partners to respect the other person's wishes and try to learn from each other what would feel good.

Instead of thinking about what you did or didn't do to create this with your wife, or for that matter what created it in her history, there is an opportunity for you to share in the many explorations that you have sexually.

Since each person and interaction is different there is no one right way. It becomes very important for you to continue to explore with one another various ways to be erotic. If there are things she doesn't like, no matter what the reason, find out together what she does enjoy. Just your attentiveness to her likes and dislikes will continue to build on the relationship.

In our culture, being sexual can make women very vulnerable. (and men too!) People use sex to hurt us, to manipulate us and to love us. It is hard to separate all of these to become vulnerable and often takes a long time.

If it helps to get some books on erotic pleasuring you may find that there are behaviors you both would enjoy exploring.

She may somehow feel guilty or 'at fault' for the situation when she was younger, and just never talked about it. It doesn't determine who she is now or what she likes.

Feel free to continue writing if you have more questions.

Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team